BUILDING A HOMESTEAD FROM SCRATCH

Before we even had a place to call home, I had a long list of homesteading goals in mind. My brain is always ten steps ahead of my life, making lists and planning every detail of the future ten years before it's even a possibility. It's a blessing and a curse. I come into all projects (probably overly) prepared, but it leaves little brain space to actually 'live in the moment' - and I usually annoy Alex with my perfectionist habits and ability to shoot ideas out of my head like laser beams. When you spend years thinking through an idea, you have a pretty solid picture of what it's going to look like and that's hard for me to let go of. You can imagine what raising kids does to me and the level of stress that I'm at with this whole building a house ourselves journey that we've set out on. So far everything has gone smoothly - well except for we're out of money. . . and my shower drain is crooked! There, I said it! The guy who did our concrete did a fantastic job (seriously, I didn't know concrete could look so beautiful), but he didn't straighten up our square floor drains before he poured the concrete, so they're just in there all willy nilly like. I'm trying to embrace it as a quirk - you know, 'it gives it character' kind of thing, like the written temperature guess-timations on our oven dial in Brooklyn. It's one of life's cruel jokes that it's in a place I will undoubtably look at every day.

Anyway, my approach to farm life isn't any different, of course. Joel Salatin talks about the aesthetics of a farm and how they don't matter so long as things are functional. Blame it on me being a lady or whatever, but I have to disagree. I'm fascinated by pretty much anything he writes, but I was an art major after all. I'm all about some aesthetics. I can't help myself. I feel like we aren't just creating a farm. It's not just about some animals and some food. We're creating a lifestyle, a community, our haven. I have big dreams for this overgrown piece of dirt of ours and it doesn't involve building things out of plywood (well, not too many things). When people come to visit, I want them to forget about the world for awhile. I want them to come in search of a pumpkin with their family, savor their time here, and leave with peaceful memories, like they just returned from a mini vacation. So I'm all about doing things right (and beautifully) the first time around. My mind has been racing and it's all swimming around in there with no place to land, so I put pen to paper and came up with some basic plans. Gathering inspiration is probably my favorite part of any project, so of course I have way too many unrealistic ideas you can sort through here, if you're interested in getting lost in the black whole of the internet (Pinterest). If I could spend my mornings making lists and sipping coffee, I'd be a happy woman. I'm already a pretty happy woman, but you get where I'm going.

FIRST YEAR
- build a house, of course (a blog post is in the works, but if you don't want to wait you can see our progress at #thejacobshomestead on instagram)
- fence + establish a garden plot
- build some coops and raise some chicks for our egg + meat flocks
- clear some land for pastures
- put up a clothesline (because money saving goals are the best goals)
- build a patio + pergola

SECOND YEAR
- start planting fruit trees in the orchard in the Fall
- fence in our pastures
- buy and breed milk goats
- buy and breed heritage breed pigs
- build some pens and raise meat rabbits
- build a tool shed

THIRD YEAR
- invest in beekeeping supplies + start our hives
- build a root cellar + greenhouse
- venture into the business world selling produce + eggs + other handmade goods at the farmer's market/online
- buy and breed sheep for wool
- finish planting fruit trees + berries in the orchard

LONG TERM
- live debt free
- drill a well
- go off grid with solar panels
- buy pasture land nearby to raise cattle on
- build and rent out an AirBNB cabin
- offer farm tours + u-pick strawberry/watermelon/pumpkin patches + possibly CSA boxes

Our overall goal in homesteading is to become self-sufficient and a big part of that is learning new skills, so I have a long list of personal goals that includes things like canning, bread making, spinning wool into yarn, dying fabric with natural dyes, learning how to make pottery... but mostly turning my black thumb into a green one because no joke, I haven't been able to keep one single plant alive in the last six years that Alex and I have been married. Realistically, we might kill everything we lay hands on in the next three years, give up, and move back to the city. . . but let's hope not. That would make this the most expensive science project in history.

Right now, all this just seems like a pipe dream, which is kind of why I sat down to make this list in the first place. Instead of this cluster of overwhelming ideas floating around in your head, you have a physical breakdown of all that you need to accomplish. Plus, I'm a believer in putting your dreams out there - not in a kooky, 'the universe will reward you' way, but more as an act of bravery, a flag flying high saying, 'this is what I'm fighting for.'

What is your family fighting for? What goals are you trying to accomplish, homesteading-related or not? I can't wait to say your flags raised in the comments!

OUR FIRST SUMMER IN NYC

I feel like the snow-capped Winter days are just barely behind us, but I'm already dreading their return. I've been trying to think of the all the things I wanted to do when I was holed up in a one bedroom apartment with three adults and a two year old and a dog in DC during the unending polar vortex of 2014 or what I always dreamt of doing when my sole desire in life was to move here? I've found that it can be quite overwhelming to think about all the possibilities, all the things you want to see and do and experience in a city this size. It can also be kind of exhausting, trying to run all over the city to here and there and 'I've always wanted to do this,' but it's a good kind of exhausting and we're all exhausted practically all the time, that's life, so why shouldn't it be the good kind? Summer and I, we kind of have a weird relationship. I'm much more of a Fall girl, but Summer is a welcome contrast to Winter because I could just say no to Winter forever.

I used to think snow was pretty and it probably still is, but when you've seen snow like I have (piles of dog pee stained ice on the sides of the sidewalk and black sludge on the edges of the road that never melts), it just ruins it for you. I will always take snow on Christmas, and maybe New Years, but after that I'm ready for Spring already. We (mostly Alex because I could never do that to Brooklyn) keep talking about going back to Albuquerque eventually, mostly for the perfect weather. Most people think New Mexico is a hot barren wasteland like Phoenix. I like to nod along when people talk about Albuquerque like that because it feels like I'm keeping a little piece of perfect weather heaven a secret, and I like secrets. We moved here knowing it probably wouldn't be forever and while Alex has sealed the deal and is a diehard not-forever-New-Yorker, I'm still open to the idea of being one of those 90 year old ladies hoofing it up and down the subway stairs at a surprising speed, married to the cute old man that sits on the bench with me outside the market a few blocks from our apartment and 'ooh's and 'ahh's at all the babies that walk by. I like to stop and let them stare at Ev extra long because it feels like seeing into the future and Ev is a really nice baby to gawk at in my opinion. She bats her eyelashes and says 'hi' and 'bye' at all the right times and usually isn't too grubby.

Anyway, back to Summer - we're trying to make the best of it because a part of me will die when Winter comes. I'm the Queen of lists, so I made one of our Summer plans, a sort of Jacobs' Summer manifesto if you will. It's all pretty obvious Summer things, but it makes me feel a little less panicky when Alex asks, 'So what are we doing with weekend?' and I have a list to consult. We have plans to mark berry picking off the list this weekend and I'm way more excited than a grown woman should be about picking strawberries. I think I'm actually excited about the drive there more than the strawberry picking because living in the city makes getting in a car a novelty. It's like going to a theme park or something. 'I get to ride in the car today?!'

On another note, it's been kind of rainy lately, but it hasn't rained at all. Isn't that weird? Soupy days in the Jacobs' house call for dance parties among other things like fort building and letting my two year old watch way too many Disney movies and rotting her brain according to the parenting Gods of the internet, but let's focus on dance parties because I have a confession. I am the worst dancer ever or maybe I'm the best dancer ever and my style just hasn't caught on yet? It resembles Elaine from Seinfield. I just don't know what to do with my hands. I get too excited and the music gets to me and I just lose control, then I'm like 'Get yourself together!' and I just clam up and that makes it even worse. My freshman year of college I went to a club and anyone that knows me knows that's hilarious, but everyone I came with started to dance, so I started to dance because I didn't want to be that girl that is sitting alone and thus invites all the guys to come and ask her questions, so I danced. And I thought I was doing pretty good until a guy came to dance beside me and my mind said, "Your good dance streak is over." My body promptly followed my thoughts and this guy, he noticed. You could see it on his face. His eyes got wide and he tried to cooly back away, but keep dancing. So I gave up on trying to dance like everyone else or trying to dance in public period and saved up all my spastic dance moves for my toddler on rainy morning to the credits of Ferngully.

The end.

2014 SUMMER MANIFESTO

STAPLES

fly a kite • build an epic sandcastle

explore all the best splash pads • blow a lot of bubbles

buy some sidewalk chalk • picnics in the park

swimming • beach days

FOOD

lemonade • plastic bag ice cream • seafood

farmer's market • berry picking • watermelon

MUSEUMS, ETC.

zoo • aquarium • children's museum

transit museum • high line

FAMILY

cookout in a park • thrifting • fireworks

free movie in a park • ev's first carousel ride

free kayaking

TOURIST

governor's island • walk across the brooklyn bridge

summer streets • statue of liberty • ellis island

A NEW LITTLE PROJECT

If you've been here awhile, you've probably read all about my ponderings on having an only child - what I'm about to say is going to shock those of you that have. Before I was pregnant with Ev, Alex and I wanted 6 or 8 kids. I don't know what kind of new age drug I was on or what was so easy about my life that I thought I should ever take responsibility for eight humans, but that was our plan. In my perfect future dream world, not only would I be popping out dream babies every two years, but I would have the time to go back to school, start an art career from home, cook delicious meals, homeschool my lovely school bus of children, and remain madly in love with my husband. I never said any of this out loud or even consciously thought it, but I assume I had to believe that to ever agree to having eight kids.  Luckily my husband saw the light at about the same time I did and we just looked at each other like, 'I was crazy. Were you crazy? Ok let's get sane together and raise this one baby together and maybe think about another later, but probably not.' I say all of that to get to this point - I finally found the time to do something besides sleep and eat and clean and write here.

I'm not going to exaggerate. We are in desperate need of some extra income. I don't say this to sound an alarm or ask for pity - it's just a fact that life is hard to navigate without money. So I've been brainstorming about ways to work from home doing what I love for over a year now and the single thing that was stopping me was my perfectionist nature. My desire to alleviate some of the pressure off of Alex (who is working night and day and trying to finish a degree and well, the poor man is tired) finally overroad my OCD tendencies and here I am. I've opened an Etsy shop. It isn't perfect. It probably isn't what I'll sell forever, but possibly. I don't have any fancy graphics made. I don't have all the social media pages set up for it, but I made some things and opened a shop and that's what I'm trying to focus on right now. I set out on a mission to work with what I already had - so many of my goals are surrounded by financial needs (a new lens, a new computer, editing software, classes, etc.) -and I just wanted to get started on something. So head on over there and take a look around - it's not what I imagined I'd be doing for a living, but I'm pretty proud of what I managed to create.

Dream. Discover. Do. • 1

I came across these pictures on my hard drive - they were taken this same time last year in our backyard in Albuquerque.

Because we're in this limbo stage, we've all been really home sick and I couldn't help but share these again.

A few weeks ago, I got an email from Jodi over at Practising Simplicity that I had won a giveaway for the 'Dream. Discover. Do.' e-course with Kate from Total Balance. I feel really privileged to have been chosen to participate - I often see so many of these courses that sound fascinating, but I usually don't have the funds to sign up. The DDD course was made to help people come to know themselves better and give them the tools and inspiration to begin to create positive change in their life. I'm not sure how accurate I am in saying this, but I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what I want out of life, my strengths and weaknesses, etc. If anything, I want to do too much, so that's what I'm focusing on while I'm taking this course: finding a handful of things that are most important. I'm going to try not to share too much about the exercises in the course because I know Kate has worked really hard to put it all together and I would hate to cheat her out of that, but writing here is sort of a solidifying thing for me - it keeps me accountable and helps me process my thoughts.

Last week's focus was on values; finding out what's important to you, reflecting on those things, and thinking of changes you can make to incorporate them into your life more. Through a series of exercises, I came to the conclusion that my top three values are:

• having a sense of meaning, purpose, achievement, and financial security through creating.

• feeling connected with myself through learning, creating, and having peaceful moments alone.

• family happiness through adventures, careers that allow us to spend more time together, and connectedness.

Some of the exercises brought things to the surface that I guess I've always known, but that I didn't realize were such prominent aspects of my life or personality. One of the exercises asked you to write down major events of your childhood and how they made you feel. What I ended up doing was linking traits that I have to memories from my childhood to come to conclusions like: I'm an introvert because I spent a lot of time alone as a kid, but I also didn't have a lot of friends as a kid, so even though I enjoy time by myself as an adult, the thought of being a loner still really makes me uncomfortable - and there was usually a lot of stress in our house when I was growing up (to respect my mom and the fact that she did the best she could with what life gave her, I won't go into detail), which is why homemaking and creating a peaceful home is so important to me. Another one of the exercises was to take a survey through a Penn State website centered around studying authentic happiness that told you what your top five strengths are and the results were interesting - my strengths are love of learning, appreciation of beauty and excellence, hope, optimism, and future-mindedness, curiosity and interest in the world, and zest, enthusiasm, and energy.

The last exercise asked you to take the three values that I listed and think of three changes you can make to incorporate these values into your life more.

• Create more than I consume. Write, draw, sew, paint, crochet, read, and take pictures more than I search for inspiration on Pinterest and Instagram. Schedule chunks of time throughout the week to work, so that I can have a home business up and running in the next year.
• Along with scheduling work time, make sure to make time alone a priority - read a book, take a bath, do yoga, anything that will fill me.
• Create a budget and include an allowance for family dates. Go for walks more often. Find free local things to do. Be more intentional about doing crafts and teaching Ev instead of assuming she should entertain herself. Make an effort to make our home a haven, even on a limited budget.

To be honest, I've always been turned of to the idea of 'self help' books or life coaches. No offense to anyone who swears by them - I'm just a realist and need concrete facts and statistics to convince me of things and most self help books seem a bit fanciful. At the beginning of the week, I approached this coarse cautiously like I approach self help book and had a second where I was like 'Do I really need to ask myself all these questions? Am I really going to learn something new about myself?' but I did. I really enjoyed the work I had to do and the thought I had to put into it. It helped me to feel more accomplished and inspired.

What kinds of things in life are most valuable to you?

On My Shelf • Reading in 2014

I'm always on the hunt for a good book recommendation. I have over 470 books on my 'to read' shelf on goodreads and I still keep finding more which makes it incredibly hard for me to choose just one book to read at a time. Each year I make a list of books that are top priority. It's kind of nerdy, but I'm an obsessive list maker and it shortens my time spent standing in the library with a stack of fifteen books trying to narrow it down. Last year I set a goal to read 20 books by the end of the year - it was my first time ever setting a conscious goal to read more and it worked. I ended up reading 25 or so, and I thought I would set that same goal again for this year since it was easily attainable, but kept me reading at a fairly consistent pace. I like put a variety of books on this list because there are so many classics I haven't read, best sellers I miss out on if I focus on too many classics, etc. - and I like to throw in a few parenting books to keep some constant encouragement and inspiration going on in that area of my life. So here are fifteen books I plan to read this year - if you're interested in seeing the rest of the list, head over to my 2014 bookshelf on goodreads.

Here is New York by E.B. White

Travels with Charley in Search of America by John Steinbeck
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith

Ernest Hemingway on Writing
Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls

The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt

The Midwife: A Memoir of Birth, Joy, and Hard Times by Jennifer Worth

Down To Earth by Rhonda Hetzel

PS, I Love You by Cecilia Ahern

An Everlasting Meal: Cooking with Economy and Grace by Tamar Adler

The Wisdom of Yoga: A Seeker's Guide to Extraordinary Living by Stephen Cope

The Good Mother Myth: Redefining Motherhood to Fit Reality by Avital Nathman

A House in the Sky by Amanda Lindhout

Dear Scott, Dearest Zelda: The Love Letters of F.Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Persig

I just finished French Kids Eat Everything (which was decent - worth reading) and I'm about halfway through Half Broke Horses. What are you reading right now/plan on reading this year? What are some of your favorite books that you've read in the past?

2014

In some way, for as long as I can remember, whether in blog form or a note scratched on an old receipt or an unconscious intention, I've made a resolution or promise to myself on January 1st in hopes of a better year. I've always been drawn to attempts at bettering myself and I enjoy a fresh start, which is why I have a weird love for grocery shopping and moving and a new year. 2013 was the best year I've had since entering into adulthood and I have high hopes for the next one. I have so many thoughts and hopes swirling around in my mind about 2014. The possibilities are endless. This year is monumental for me and this little family of mine. For the longest time, the dream of New York City has hovered over me like a thought bubble, constantly there and shading out the possibility of many more dreams prevailing. As I write, Alex and I are sitting cross-legged on the bed together - me writing, him reading, Ev napping - in my sister's apartment in DC. We've finally finished all of the errands we needed to run after the four day drive here and this is the first chance we've had to sit and breathe without a list of to-do's invading our thoughts in a week. I had a lot of time to think of the drive here and the thing that is at the forefront of my mind for this year is to take care of myself and to nourish my relationships. I've never been one to choose a word for the year because of the flighty nature of my mind - next week it would be different, but I'm pretty committed to making nourish my word and focus for 2014. So often, I'm focused on the checklists and the mess that I expect too much of Ev and neglect myself and my spirituality and relationships. Alex is going to be gone for the majority of the year, so I think this will be vital for Ev and I.

In so many ways, I'm an adventurous person, but in a lot of other ways I'm not. I've always wished I could be that person that travels alone and isn't afraid of getting lost, who is confident and comfortable doing new things alone. Fear (of what, I don't know) has prevailed in my life for too long. It's embarrassing to admit, but somedays Ev and I don't step foot outside. Before Ev came along, I had so much opportunity to travel and explore new hobbies and I didn't do any of those things. I didn't intend on this post being about anxiety, but it's important for me to clear the air with myself before I start a list of goals. This has been something I've struggled with for so long and each year, I push myself further up this mountain, but I haven't made it to the top yet. 'Disorder' is sort of an ambiguous word. Do I have an anxiety disorder? No, I don't think so, but maybe no one actually has disorders - maybe we're all just different. . . What I do know is that this fight with myself has lasted long enough to have accompanied me through many stages of my life, including motherhood, and it has started to affect my child. So I'm doing something about it. I'm dealing with it. Am I anxious and tense everyday? I used to think shyness was to blame, but I have moved past that and still find myself composed, but perpetually strained and nervous. From the outside, I'm normal - I'm fairly social, I have interests and hobbies, I get out pretty often. But never does it come easy. I'm easygoing, but when forced to face a new situation or something outside my comfort zone, tension hits. There were a lot of times in college when I struggled to leave my apartment and though this was my excuse, it wasn't because I didn't feel like going to class. I loved (and still love) learning and reading, especially about art, but the thought of stepping outside my comfort zone, walking the streets to class alone and into a classroom full of people I didn't know paralyzed me. 

I grew up like this - shy and insecure and unable to stand up for myself, and I used the 'this is who I am' excuse for too long. As a child I was nervous, unable to speak for myself at times, didn't have a lot of friends, unable to even make a phone call for years, worried about my looks and what I was wearing in a way that was beyond the normal teenage insecurities and while I've overcome a lot of that, especially in the last few years, life has presented new challenges that I've struggled to face. Now that I've moved into adulthood, I sometimes feel like Alex is my buffer, my safe zone, and that's lovely and romantic until your safe zone leaves and you're forced to face those same feelings all over again. It's just much easier to find a calm with him around. While this may seem like a step in the wrong direction as far as dealing with my fears, I plan on staying with my sister in Washington DC until Alex and I and Ev can all be together again. (Right as I hit publish, Alex got a phone call and found out he may be leaving for training later than we though - touché, 2014. I may be braving this alone after all.) While fear is a factor, I came to this conclusion mostly because it doesn't feel right to go and make a home in New York City without my husband. This is as much his adventure and dream as it is mine and I want to do it together. Anyway, these insecurities and struggles that I mentioned - it's time to face them head on while my buffer is gone. It's time to stop letting fears and anxiety affect my ability to take my kid to a park or play date or museum more than once a month. It's time to start loving myself in ways that I might not be comfortable with, but that I know are good for me.

So here is my plan for making 2014 count:

- DOCUMENT: (I still haven't finished posting all of the photos from last year's 365 project, but I can't pass up the opportunity to start another.) The 365 project was so good for me last year and I'm sure I couldn't put down my camera and stop documenting if I tried. Taking photos of everyday moments is just ingrained in me. However, taking a photo each day became a struggle in quantity over quality, so I plan on choosing a picture each week, a 52 project. I'm hoping that with less pressure to just snap a photo for the day, I'll have more time to really learn about my camera and develop some manual skills.

- CATCH MY BREATH: I usually spend nap times writing, so I rarely get time to read a book or take a bath or drink a cup of tea without reheating it five times or enjoy a yoga session without a feisty little girl stealing my mat and sticking her finger in my nose, so I plan on being intentional about scheduling time to catch my breath and refuel - no cell phone, social media, blogging, running errands, paying bills, etc. for a few hours, once a week.

- SIMPLIFY: I know this is a redundant word being used in so many places all over the internet, but a simple life is really important to our family. We ended 2013 by simplifying our belongings. We put what would fit into a 5x8 trailer and left the rest behind. Now it's time to organize and simplify other parts of life, including this space. I often spend hours in a day reading blogs and looking at Facebook and Instagram - once I start, I can't pull myself away until I'm finished. So I'm purging all of my 'closets' of the internet and spending less time surrounding myself with other people's thoughts and lives and more time cultivating my own thoughts and life.

- ORGANIZE: There are a lot of areas of our life that will be hectic this year. Most of our belongings will be in a storage unit for six months out of the year, so although I would love to organize our home when we're all together again, I'm not speaking of physical belongings. I have a lot of projects that have been sitting at the back of my mind, waiting for the time to get them done. 2014 is the time. I want to get our family pictures backed up and organized so that we can sit down together and look at them regularly. I want to get our favorite recipes in order so we can cook them all more often without having to hunt the recipe down.

- READ: I have a really (really) big list of books that I want to read, and I'd like to make a dent in that this year. I also want to make an effort to read to Ev more regularly. We've been so busy during the last few months that our story time has kind of fallen to the wayside.

- GET OUTSIDE: When Spring comes, I've set a goal for Ev and I to get outside everyday, whether it's a simple trip to the nearest playground or a trip to a museum that lasts hours, whether it's beautiful outside or a raining, sludgy mess.

- COOK: It's really important to me to make cooking and meals a big part of our family life. I'd like to make an effort to plan meals each week so that cooking can be slower and more enjoyable. I'd also like to get a bit more adventurous in the kitchen and make use of the cookbooks I have laying around.

- TAKE CARE OF MYSELF: I want to start running. I've made a lot of excuses for far too long about why I couldn't start running and I want this to be the year that I get in better shape. I also want to start doing yoga more regularly. I got into a groove for awhile and look back at that time fondly. Yoga is one of the only types of 'exercise' that I really enjoy.

- CREATE: I have an insatiable desire to create and I always have, but like anything else, every time I sit down to start a project, fear creeps in allows me to convince myself that I'm not good enough. I have so many dreams that I've been holding on tight to for so many years and this is the year I do something with those dreams, at least one of them. I want to support my family creating.

- PRAY: I've had a tough time making this a priority this year and I want that to change. Just as I want to take time to catch my breath, I also want to take time to be still and immerse myself in prayer each week.

Here's to you, 2014! To the joys - I'll be grateful. To the heartaches - I'll trust that they're part of a bigger plan. To the unknown that lies ahead - I am hopeful. To the unexpected adventures that life throws our way - they make for the best memories. Here's to becoming better versions of ourselves, dreaming wild dreams, failing and getting right back up, and loving like we never have before.

P.S. 2013 resolutions. 

Linking up with Ohdeardrea, and many others.

Guest Post • Hand and the Heart

Any of you who have been readers of HMRM for an extended amount of time know about my love for adventure, so I was so excited to share this guest post with you from Andrea over at Hand and the Heart! I gave her the choice of writing about a dream she had accomplished or her favorite winter recipe and like I would have done, she chose to write about a dream. Honestly, just like in real life, I'm sort of a distanced blogger. To keep myself from spending too much time on the computer or reading instead of writing, I keep my blog following to a minimum, which means that I'm not in a lot of blogging circles and I don't have a lot of women that I'm super close to (yet!). My point in saying all of this is Andrea is worth following. Her writing is simple and honest and heartwarming and I just love her and I haven't even met her. So here it is: a guest post about this awesome lady climbing a mountain. (I am so jealous of your feat, by the way! My husband and I have talked about climbing a lot and would love to do this someday.)

P.S. If any of you are interested in guest blogging on HMRM, send an email my way. We have a lot of driving and settling in to do over the next few weeks, so there will be plenty of room for other lady bloggers' (or men, whatever) thoughts. (andrealanejacobs@yahoo.com)

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Hey there my friends! I blog over at Hand and the Heart. I'm so excited that Andrea asked me to contribute to her space here. I think she is one of the most genuine people I have come to know through blogging, and I love that about her. Plus, we share a name and have similar birth philosophies, so that basically makes us soul sisters, right!? :)

I'm going to stray off my usual writing topics about babies and motherhood, and share a story about climbing a mountain. Andrea asked me to write about a dream I have achieved that I'm proud of, and standing up at 11,239 feet is what came to my mind first. I know, I know...I probably should have thought about "becoming a mother" or "marrying the man of my dreams" or something. Sorry fam.

Standing on the summit of Mount Hood, Oregon's highest peak, was a dream achieved for me because honestly I never thought it was possible. I've always idolized my dad's adventurous nature and his zeal for the great outdoors. I spent much of my childhood hiking through the Olympic Mountains and camping under the stars in the middle of the forest. In college, I asked my Dad if he would help me climb something. We set our sights on Mount Hood, for my Dad had climbed in many times before. I wore my climbing boots to the gym every day, working that stair master to the ground. Physically, I was at the top of my game. Mentally, I was nowhere close. There was so much fear blocking my way. Fear of falling, fear of dying, fear of failing. I read the articles about people who had died on the mountain. I focused on the dangers, instead of the rewards. We turned around halfway to the summit. Broken-hearted.

A few years later, we decided to give Mount Hood another attempt. But the living, breathing mountain was ferocious in her attempts to deny us the chance.The fog wrapped around us and created zero visibility, the damp was chilling to our bones, and it was apparent very early on that once again, Hood wouldn't let us reach her peak. Again, broken-hearted. I felt like this was one dream I would have to let slip through my fingers.

A few weeks later, we decided to give it one more go before it got too late in the season to climb safely. I still didn't think I would ever make it to the summit. Sitting at the base of the mountain, staring way up into the heavens seemed so far away. My mind wandered to the fumaroles, the crevasses, the bergschrund on the hogsback that was opened. The hundreds of ways I could fail. But at 2 a.m., I dutifully strapped on my crampons, with my ice ax tied securely to my pack, and we set off for the rising sun.

My breath became regulated, my steps became routine. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed. I watched the moon set over the horizon and the sun cast duplicate shadows of the mountain on the land below. I didn't dare look the way we came. We finally reached the point of making the final summit push at an area called Crater Rock. My dad roped the three of us together again, but my part of the line grew tight. The fear wrapped around me like the fog on our prior attempt, and I couldn't move. The summit was so close, a mere 60 minutes up. But I couldn't. The tears came. My dad's gentle voice telling me that if we had any chance of making the summit, we needed to keep moving before the sun started melting the ice pack. I looked up, and I looked back. Stuck.

My husband. My dear my husband. Where I failed myself, where I didn't believe, he did. He climbed up to me. He wrapped his arms around me and whispered a prayer in my ear. He told me I was capable. He told me that he would never let me fall. I wiped my tears, took a breath, and set off after my Dad and his encouraging words, up to the summit. It was steep going, we took an alternate route up the south side old crater chute, and I had to focus every bit of my energy on every single step. The final pitch hit around a 50 degree angle up the chute, and with one final grasp my ax dug over the lip of a snow cap, I passed the most dangerous section and lifted myself to the summit of Mount Hood, just as beams of sun cast a heavenly glow over the ice formations. A dream achieved.

Of course, with all mountain climbing, both figurative and literal, reaching the summit is only half the battle. Our time at the top was spent cautiously (one woman fell 2,500' to her death down the North side a couple of years ago). The climb down often offers more opportunities for sliding and tripping, and statistically speaking is the most common time people are killed. I didn't realize how steep the pitch was until I was faced with going down it, side stepping and praying I wouldn't lose my nerve or my balance. Going down was intimidating because falling doesn’t mean you slide for a few feet and stop, falling means you typically slide and tumble all the way down whatever slope you are on until you fall into a crevasse, over the edge of a cliff, or into a fumarole where you die from affixiation if the fall doesn’t kill you. Usually, the weakest link (being me) would descend first in the rope line, with the stronger climbers behind so they can self-arrest if the weakest climber were to fall. However, I was so nervous that I couldn’t go down first, so my husband went in front of me to help talk me through and guide my steps, and my Dad, being the strongest and most experience climber, was in the back. I literally had to keep telling myself, "stab ice axe into snow, step left foot down, pause, step right foot" (while looking for a safe spot to step), repeat, to keep myself focused on what I was doing and not what I was afraid of. I am so proud of myself. I was very scared, and crying, but I kept moving and stepping and making clear decisions.

A climber above us knocked loose a large chunk of ice that came barreling down the side of the mountain, knocking me in the calves and nearly out from under myself. My dad and husband still tease me about the string of profanities that came furling out of my mouth. I'm fortunate that was the extent of it, for many climbers have been killed when falling chunks of ice have hit them. The rest of the trip was spent glissading down the mountain, covering so much ground, speeding along on such a high that I didn't even notice the ice and speed had burned two holes straight through all my layers and tore the flesh straight off my buns. Two large, red, fleshy wounds that resembled road rash on each butt cheek. Bloody, oozy, and extremely painful. Of all the injuries I could have gotten while climbing…I get two raw sores on my bottom!? Ha! 

Climbing, and summiting Mount Hood was such a rewarding experience, both mentally and physically. A moment I will treasure forever. Every time we drive through Portland and see Mount Hood looming over the city, I can barely believe I stood on the very top of it. This dream achieved was a true labor of love. My dad's experience and guidance got us to the summit, but I could never have made it had my husband not evaporated all the fear from my mind (and then later cleaned my wounds for weeks on end). Dreams are achieved when we work together. It took me three tries, but I finally did it.

I don't know these guys, but this is a short video clip of the chute I climbed. 

And a lovely shot of the view looking down (for perspective).

Carnival of Natural Mothering • New Year's Resolutions

Welcome to the December 2013 Carnival of Natural Mothering! 

This article is a part of the Carnival of Natural Mothering hosted by GrowingSlower, Every Breath I Take, I Thought I Knew Mama, African Babies Don't Cry, and Adventures of Captain Destructo. This month's topic is Natural New Year's Resolutions. Be sure to check out all of the participants' posts through the links at the bottom of this page.

It's early December and I would normally be panicked, racing around each day, trying to plan out our holiday season. I would wake up with a list scrolling through my head, 'order this gift before it's too late, find the perfect ornament (We give each other special ornaments on Christmas Eve each year.), make a handmade ornament with Evie, etc.' There's a quiet, but persistent worry that affects me this time of year. I think social media has made this harder. Pinterest can be a really great resource for tradition ideas, gift ideas, etc. but ten minutes of scrolling through your Christmas board can leave you overwhelmed with a page full of holiday decorations to make/hang and holiday tradition ideas and recipes to try and crafts to make with your kid. It's all just too much! I've found that when I approach a special event or a holiday with high expectations and a to-do list a mile long, I have a really hard time enjoying myself and focusing on what matters. The expectations that I set for myself are usually unrealistic, but it doesn't stop me from being disappointed in myself when I'm not able to do it all. Maybe I'm the only one that can't control my urge to try to be awesome all the time, but I've had this problem since I was a kid - I was (and still am) Monica.

Because of the impending move, we've decided to take it easy with the gifts, which we really always do so it's nothing new, but I've also decided to take it easy on myself, this month and next year. It's kind of an oxymoronic thing that I'm usually the one stressing myself out. I'm vowing not to make any lists or plan each day out from now until Christmas - we're only doing what we want to and can each day and that's going to be enough. A lot of our time is going to be spent packing and cleaning and selling things this month, so when we can fit Christmas celebrations and traditions in I'm sure they'll be welcomed and appreciated. I've bought Evie a few things through out the year, but beyond that she'll just be opening gifts that family members send and that's really what I enjoy about presents anyway, watching her open and enjoy them. Last night we all sat down with milkshakes and popcorn, cozy blankets, and Home Alone. Evie has really never watched a movie from beginning to end as intently as she watched this. She cuddled up to Alex and I, munching on her popcorn and talking to us about what she was watching, and I was filled with joy. This is what is important about Christmas - time together, not crafts or presents or food or decorations or traditions.

That can apply to our life year round, not just the holidays. Time together is what is important about life, not jobs or schedules or money or a clean home or being perfect. I'm extremely goal-oriented, so I wake up each day embracing the potential to clear my to-do list, but spending time with my two best friends is way more important. So my only goal for 2014 is to put the phone away, put the computer down, let the house be messy for a bit, let projects go unfinished, and just focus on spending time with this little girl who needs me and exploring the city with her. When Alex told me we were moving three months sooner than we expected, I panicked a bit. How were we going to survive? This was not the way that I wanted this to happen! We had a plan! But I'm slowly realizing that it may have been a blessing in disguise. We will have each other, and only each other, and just like it did when it was just Alex and I in a tiny apartment in Birmingham our first year of marriage, it will bring us closer together. Last year, I made a pretty detailed list of the things that I wanted to accomplish in 2013, and as hard as I tried I couldn't get it all done. There just weren't enough hours in the day. While this isn't technically a 'natural' New Years' resolution, I do think that just as a more natural life can bring you peace and health, so can simpler goals.

A bit off topic, but how cute is this Home Alone sweatshirt for a toddler?

How about you? Do you make New Year's Resolutions? Did you accomplish the goals you set for this year? What goals have you set for yourself for 2014?

Bloggers, visit GrowingSlower to sign up to write for next month's carnival.

HELLO, FALL!

These were taken last August when we made apple cider from our backyard apples.

Ev was six months old. She kept leaning over her bouncer to stuff handfuls of

chopped apple into her mouth when we weren't looking.

The alarm sounds, obnoxious chirping crickets, buzzing under the pillow - I shove my arm under the pillow and squeeze the phone, just trying to silence the annoyance. My eyelids crack open and I glance around the barely lit room.

I pull the quilt back, reluctantly, and put my feet down on the cool hardwood floor. I pull the silk nightgown - a gift from Alex the first year we were married - off the corner of our bed, then return it to its place and decide to dig out flannel pajama pants and a long sleeve shirt instead.

I wander into the kitchen, noticing the little things left behind by his hasty retreat to work, like water still warm in the tea kettle and a cup of coffee left in the press. I decide to make myself a cup of tea and save the coffee for the afternoon. A cry comes down the hallway and I glance at the clock - 6:40 - too early for her to be awake. I think she may be cold, so I tip-toe to the control and turn the heater on for the first time since last season.

It's an obvious statement, but having a child changes the way you approach everything.
I never thought much about the changing seasons. I never savored so many moments in a day until I became a mother. I never mourned the passing of a season, or savored the one I was in.

Fall is here. . .

. . . and it is both disappointing and something to celebrate. Disappointing because summer passed too quickly, which means fall will pass too quickly, then winter will drag on. I've always approached the winter months with disdain, but I'm trying my best to look for the beauty in it. I've been thinking a lot about making the best of the time that I have with this energetic, passionate soul we created - and I came to a realization that we only have seventeen summers left to enjoy together, seventeen falls together, seventeen dreaded winters together. Eventually she will be grown and caught up in creating her own life and my heart will rejoice at her striving, but break as I reminisce about these seasons.

So this is what I'm looking forward to this fall season. . .
EATING | comfort food and soups.
DRINKING | hot cocoa and apple cider.
PRACTICING | patience, selflessness, being thankful for small beauties in life.
MASTERING | artisan bread.
LEARNING | to knit.
PLAYING | in piles of leaves.
FINISHING | the stock for the Etsy shop.
READING | Grow Your Handmade Business - next up: One and Only and Just Kids.
WALKING | and biking through the neighborhood, enjoying the cool evenings.
WEARING | sweaters and boots.
COOKING | big meals and making time to enjoy them together.
WORKING | on simplifying our home and saving money.
TRAVELING | to McCall's Pumpkin Patch.
WANTING | to live and mother intentionally.

Simple Living

05/31/2013: A few moments of beauty in our front yard.

A few weeks ago, I blogged about a parenting book called 'Simplicity Parenting.' Alex and I have been talking a lot about ways that we can make our life simpler, so we had discussed plenty of the ideas that this book presented, but reading them from someone else's perspective was really encouraging and motivating. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am a list maker, so naturally my house has been scattered with lists and pens lately. I've basically been dissecting this book and trying to implement the words that spoke to our dreams for our family into our daily lives. I thought I would share some of what is going on inside our heads, the changes I'm trying to make as an individual and in our family.

The book starts with the words, "Parents are the architects of the family's daily lives." I didn't even have to read past the first few pages before I sat down with pen in hand and started 'building' an image of daily life for us. You can see what is important to a family by observing their everyday lives and I knew that we needed to do some rearranging. We've been letting too many things that don't matter rule our schedules and household and are ultimately unsatisfied with most days because we spend too little time doing the things that allow us all to feel whole. We've been distant, unloving, and impatient with each other too often. There have been too many days in the last few months that have ended with burdened spirits and tears, and while most people say, "Well, that's life," we don't want that to be life for our family.

I created a list of priorities in each area of our lives: home and family, Evie, personal, and marriage, then I thought of ways we could be sure to give these things the attention they need each day. The things I want to focus on for our family and in our home are cooking and enjoying meals together, having regular family 'dates,' and creating a simple and comfortable home space. The things that I need, personally, are relaxation breaks throughout the week (yoga, read, take a bath, etc.), time to invest in a creative outlet, a consistent exercise routine, and time to spend on something that will give me a feeling of accomplishment. Evie needs more explorative play and time outside, a calm, predictable rhythm to her days, and more exposure to other kids. Alex and I could really use a date night each month, which will probably be the hardest thing for us to accomplish on this list. It's not easy for me to let just anyone watch Ev and a lot of our friends already have children, so I feel guilty asking them to take on another one. In the realm of paid childcare, the cost of a babysitter usually matches the cost of a date and we aren't in the position to afford a $100 night out every month. Regardless of these things, I want to make it happen because our marriage is important to me and lately it's been getting the leftovers from each of us.

In all honesty, I feel discouraged just looking at this list. I find myself trying to manage all of these things already and fail. Being a stay at home mother in today's society is hard - Alex is busy and tired, there is no family around to carry some of the burdens or give me a break, and I have so much to do at home that getting out of the house usually turns out to cause more stress than it's worth. But I press on and try to see the beauty in each day and extend grace and patience to Alex and Ev because, well, what is the alternative?

Another thing that helped me determine what changes need to be made in our schedule and lifestyle was to imagine a typical day and ask myself what difficulties arise and what times of the day are consistently stressful? Meal times have been hectic and unnerving for awhile now. Evie is usually running wild, destroying everything I spent all day cleaning, pulling dishes out of the cabinets and scattering them everywhere, pulling on my leg and asking for food, and flopping herself on the floor in a fit of rage because it isn't done yet. I've tried giving her snacks between meals and we just go through the same routine and then she won't eat her meal, which is equally frustrating. I've found that the one thing that helps lessen the stress is to have unwavering meal times, especially dinner. An early dinner time usually works to our advantage, so I'm trying to make an effort to make a more detailed meal plan and start on dinner around 4 or 4:30. This makes it really hard to get out of the house in the afternoon, but has made meals a little more enjoyable.

The next stressful thing in our house is keeping up with work around the house each day. I've been trying to find the best times to fit in housework in regards to Evie's mood without compromising nap time because that is the only time that I get to spend doing things solely for myself like blogging or sewing. Lately I've been trying to accomplish a lot of the cleaning in the morning, between breakfast and nap time and that's worked pretty well, especially if I take her for a bike ride or walk after I've finished. I've also been attempting to wake up a hour or so before her, which sounded like lunacy before, but I've actually started looking forward to this time now. I usually make myself some coffee, do yoga while it's brewing, then sit down and journal or read. It's been a nice, quiet time to wrap my head around all the thoughts floating around up there that reduces my stress level on most days by half. I'm attempting to sit down and write out a rhythm (I can never spell this word write no matter how many times I write it.)

Have you read any parenting or family related books that you really enjoyed lately? What kind of rhythms do you establish with your child(ren) that help your days run more smoothly?

I realize this post might have been the most boring one in the history of this blog to most people. Brain vomit is my specialty. You're welcome.

Prosolutions

12/30/12: Alex brought me flowers after a hard day in marriage-land.

I realize I'm a little late to the party on this, but it has come to be a tradition of sorts. I throw myself into Christmas, it's over and I walk around in a haze for a week, then I finally sit down and put some goals together and am usually finished writing by mid-January. I never really get into the traditional resolution spirit (lose 10 pounds, exercise more, get a promotion, etc). I really don't want to re-do anything. Mine are always more like prosolutions: Get proactive and intentional about life. I'm pretty much a Christmas freak, but New Years holds a place in my heart too.

Maybe it's because I'm a list maker, which Alex makes fun of me for at least once a week. I make grocery lists, to do lists, goal lists, book lists, project lists - the paper trails in my house are unimaginable. Or maybe it's because I love a fresh start - who doesn't? (That's kind of why I love grocery shopping. Blasphemy, I know, but it's like therapy for me. I used to beg my mom to let me go grocery shopping for her when I was younger, and she did. She would drop me off with cash and a list and I would do it all for her.) It just feels good to look back on a hard year, breathe, and tell yourself you can make it through another. It feels good to assess where you are now in relation to last January. It feels good to get motivated. So here are some things I would like to accomplish in the coming year. I know I don't know a lot of you, but I like to think of my readers as friends that I just haven't met yet, so introduce yourselves and tell me what you're trying to accomplish in 2013.

• Read 20 books: five classics, two parenting, three spiritual, five memoirs/biographies, two of Alex's favorites, and three others. (If you're interested in seeing the specific ones I choose, check out the 2013 shelf on my goodreads.)
• Organize three areas of our life that need it the most: the filing cabinet, the recipe box, and the family pictures.
• Do three new things to help us save money. We're getting chickens in the next few months, which will help curb the cost of our love of eggs. We're planting a garden in the Spring, which may or may not help with our cost of groceries (depending on how green our thumbs are). I'm also going to try two new recipes for homemade household items (toothpaste and deodorant) and be more diligent about using cloth baby wipes, cloth napkins, and reusable grocery bags.
• Be more intentional and diligent about budgeting: Pay off one credit card and put at least $1,000 in savings by the end of the year.
• Learn three new things: how to can, use my camera on manual, and knit.
• Open an Etsy shop. I have had plans to do this for a few months now, but it's going to take quite awhile to build up my inventory enough, so my goal is to have it up and running by August/September.
• Get outside every day, as soon as Spring is here. This is going to be a year full of family walks, hikes, bike rides, picnics and tons of trips to the farmer's market, zoo, and local parks.
• Blog at least once a week, not out of a feeling of obligation or for blog growth, but because it makes me feel good to write. It's rewarding to look through the archives and see the growth of our family.
• Do an activity or craft with Evie each week. I think we will both like breaking up our week of chores and naps and trips to the grocery store with something different and fun.
• Take more pictures. Last year I started a 365 project, which was (obviously) unsuccessful. A month and half into it my camera fell out of my backseat and into a parking lot. I tried my best to keep up with it from my phone, but it just wasn't manageable. We were finally able to get my Nikon fixed in December, so I am making an effort to try the project again. As I figured out last year, posting a picture a day is pretty much impossible for me, so I'm going to try posting them all once a week. I want to remember some of the little things like what the sky looked like on the first snow day of the winter, the flowers Alex brought me when we had both been a little tense that day, or Evie's first battle with aluminum foil. Life is fleeting and having a camera in hand helps me remember that each day.
• Bake something new each month. James over at Bleubird, is going to bake a cake each Sunday this year and while I love cake and baking and Sundays, I just don't think I could commit to doing it every week. So I'm going to try a new dessert recipe each month, which I also hope to share with you guys.
• Make more time for my husband. At the end of the day, I usually just want to take my victory lap and go to bed, but Alex and I have been missing out on a lot of time with each other because of this attitude. So I'm going to put aside my desires at times and make time for him - to cook together, read together, talk, and just enjoy each other's company. We don't do that enough.

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who think you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing. Live as only you can and I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

- Neil Gaiman