WAYS TO CONNECT WITH YOUR TODDLER EACH DAY

Three is hard.

I mean, there is a challenge in every stage of parenting that seems overwhelming at the time, but three has had me way more baffled than any other age so far. I know that I'm a good mother and I know that she's a fantastic kid, but lately I haven't felt like a good mother who is raising a fantastic kid. Lately my brain has been full of worry - that she has ADHD or SPD, that my correcting her so often is tearing down her confidence in herself, that by not sending her to preschool this year, I'm depriving her of something and dooming her to a life of being lonely. I'm not sure whether it's the age or the life circumstances or the pregnancy exhaustion and emotions that has things feeling out of sorts between Ev and I, but I've been struggling. My impending due date isn't helping things much - every little tantrum, every time I lose it, every bad day seems to matter more because I know how precious this time should be to me. Every tantrum is accompanied by thoughts along the lines of, 'This is going to be impossible to deal with when I have a newborn.' Every time I lose my patience I think, 'My patience will be tested more with another child to take care of.' Every bad day ends with fear that I'll fall into postpartum depression again. After having done this once, I thought I would be able to approach a second baby with more confidence - 'you've done it before, you can do it again' kind of thoughts - but I find myself with more worries this time around. Maybe it's because I'm not oblivious now. I know the hardships that are coming. I also know the joy that is coming along with it.

Anyway, in lieu of focusing on discouraging thoughts, I've been trying to really pay attention to what Ev enjoys, to what makes her feel loved and connected to me. I know that a lot of our issues have to do with the lack of things to do in a hotel room in the middle of Winter, but others have to do with me and my selfishness. By noticing these things and being intentional about our days, or at least certain parts of them, I've come to see an obvious difference in her mood and behavior. When she feels seen and heard and known in a way that all of us desire to be known, she is more joyful and more apt to listen to my requests. Here are a few things I've been doing to try to forge that connection between us and make for a more joyful day:

- When she wakes up each morning or after her nap, I put down what I'm doing. I acknowledge her and connect with her. I make sure she knows that she is accounted for and appreciated. I ask her how she slept and what she'd like to do now that she's awake. There have been times that she has wandered out of the bedroom in the morning or after nap time and I've been working away on something and haven't looked up. That usually queues tears from her or frustration from me when I find her doing something she knows she shouldn't be. I wouldn't like to wake up and go looking for my husband in the morning only to find him staring at the computer screen and not even have him acknowledge my existence. There are times of the day that it is good to teach your toddler to let you finish a job or entertain themselves, but I've found that wake up times are not it.

- No matter how frustrated I am, I should never make her doubt whether she is loved. As she has gotten older and can now understand what I say and right/wrong, discipline has gotten trickier. Sometimes I find myself berating her over every little thing for no other reason than I'm grumpy. I forget that she's a toddler and still makes messes just for fun, even if she knows she shouldn't. I try to remember to encourage her as much as I correct her. I also say, 'I love you.' at least fifty times a day - often before I start to talk her through something she did wrong.

- I try to remember it's her day too. People often talk about how selfish kids can be, but in reality we adults are often oblivious to our own selfishness. We wake up with our own to-do list on our minds and forget that this little person might have a to-do list of their own that is full of things that don't seem important to you, but to them, it is. It's their 'work.'

- I make time to join her in her play. I often find myself just searching for something to entertain her, plopping it down in front of her, and walking away so that I can get back to whatever I was doing. Don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer in children learning how to play by themselves and that it's good for them to be bored occasionally, but that's all different from being lonely. Since it's just her and I at home each day, I'm her friend and I'm sure I won't always have the privilege of that label. So sometimes I sit down and try to act three with her, even if that's not what I want to be doing with my time. I tell her she's my best friend. I make train noises. I yell when her block tower tumbles over.

- I let her help me. This is a hard one for me. It tests my patience more than anything on this list, but it also means more to her than anything on this list. I used to ask her to go find something to entertain herself with while I was working in the kitchen because I just wanted to get the job done, but lately I've made an effort to slow down and let her help. I at least give her a job to do while I'm making dinner like washing the mushrooms or peeling the garlic. I came to the conclusion that we're going to be here all day and we usually run out of things to do, why not take a little longer doing the things we have to do everyday anyway? It makes her feel accomplished and she learns valuable lessons from it.

- I savor bedtime rituals. No matter how tired I am or how hard the day has been, I try not to rush bedtime. This is our final connection point for the day, our last chance to end it on a good note, when the thoughts of me that she will go to bed with are formed. As much as I want to get out of there as fast as I can and enjoy my adult time, I try to read every story like it's the first time I've read it and sing every song like it might be the last time I sing it. Repetition is soothing for kids, even if it drives you bonkers. We try not to make a habit of laying down with Ev until she falls asleep, but if it's been an especially hard day for us, I'll make an exception and play with her hair until she drifts off. It's important to enforce boundaries as parents, but I think it's equally important to know when to let the rules go for the sake of connecting.

- I'm intentional about physical touch. When you have an infant, it's easy to give them a lot of hands on time and direct attention because well, they're always in your hands. It gets a little trickier when they're older and more mobile. They still need that physical touch, but they don't always slow down enough to know that they need it or communicate to you that they need it. As they begin to separate themselves from you, it's easy to forget that aspect of your relationship. Last time Alex was away for a few weeks on military duty, I noticed that Ev was a lot rougher with me than usual. At first I was annoyed and couldn't figure out why she was climbing on me and swatting at me (playfully, but we don't play like that) when she had never done that before, then I realized that Alex wrestles with her every night before bed and she wasn't getting that physical touch she was used to and needs. Since then I try to be intentional about loving on her in my own way (Mom just doesn't wrestle.) even it means forcing her to sit still when she doesn't want to.

- I pick up my camera and try to document the beauty in the chaos. It helps me just embrace it. I see a different kid through the lens of my camera. Some of the little quirks and annoyances cause me to smile. The messes don't seem so big. I can more easily find the joy in the everyday and the beauty in her childhood if I'm pausing to capture them.

If you want to read more about 'filling up your toddler's love tank,' check out this post from my friend Andrea over at Hand and the Heart.

Please share with me the ways that you parent intentionally each day and forge connections with your toddler/kid!

MOTHERHOOD RIGHT NOW. . .

Anyone that knows me, knows that I document moments obsessively. Most of the time it's a good thing. On this day, I thought I would take Evie to the library to see the 'Why Children's Books Matter' exhibit at the New York Public Library before it closes in August. I have this habit of not sharing photos of a moment or day if the day went awry afterwards, so I hesitated to even share these pictures because we really didn't have a great time. I don't know why I do that. I'm not ashamed to say we had a bad day, but maybe I just don't really want to remember them the same way I would like to remember the good ones. I also feel like I'm making things appear more awesome than they actually were, so omitting them altogether is easiest. Trekking into the city is never easy, but it was exceptionally difficult on this day, so we were both frazzled by the time we arrived. Oftentimes I blame it on the two year old - she's being whiny, uncooperative, ungrateful. All of these really mean-spirited words come into my mind and it affects my attitude, then patience and gentleness and kindness all go out the window for awhile. We boarded the train home and I listened to a little girl scream and thrash and in the middle of all of that, I came to a realization and I wasn't angry at her any more. I was more disappointed in myself. After I held her through her fit, she wrapped her legs and arms around me and almost fell asleep and it dawned on me that I hadn't even let her play.

She was so excited about the entire exhibit. She wanted to run and touch and talk excitedly (loudly) and ask questions and climb and read books, and I just wanted her to walk quietly through and look at things because that's what society asks people to do in exhibits, but where's the fun in that? Her natural wonder and curiosity registered in my mind as defiance and disobedience and I thought I needed to correct her. Afterwards, I realized I was the one that needed correcting. If only you had someone to follow you around through your mothering moments and say, 'Hey, you're the one that's being a turd right now.' Alex does that for me sometimes and it's never an easy thing to accept, but I'm grateful he does it. I probably do that for him too often. I realized I had taken her all the way into the city and trekked through this library to this exhibit only to request a picture that resulted in a fit and to give up and leave. It wasn't that the day was about taking that picture. My intentions were good. I wanted to get her out of the house, surprise her with something she would enjoy, but then things started going South and all I could think was, 'We're trying to make memories and I'm going to document it so we can leave.' I didn't even try to repair the day. I guess I put all of this here for her to read one day because I know I'm imperfect and this probably won't be the last time we have a bad day because of me. I just want her to see that I knew I wasn't always right, that the bad days weren't always because of her behavior or attitude, but oftentimes because of mine.

. . . is filled with daily requests for 'peppahs and cheese and trackers' for a 'ffnaack.'

. . . is a little finger held up in protest accompanied by raised eyebrows and a 'Hold on set-unt! I got a twestion.' A real question never follows, of course. She's only trying to get out of doing something unpleasant like going to bed.

. . . is peeking through the crack of the bedroom door to find her flashlight on and books scattered around when she's supposed to be sleeping. That's the one thing I'll let slide past bedtime and I think she knows that so she milks it.

. . . is hearing her exclaiming, 'This is fun, Mama! I having fun!' She's all about telling me when she likes something these days.

. . . is walking by the grocery store and hearing, 'Are we go the grocery stowe t'day?' every time.

. . . is an outstretched hand and a 'Mama, you tome wif me.' anywhere we go. In her eyes, I'm as much of a child as she. In her eyes, my size doesn't matter - even if I'm adult size, I can still be her best friend. I can still play on the playground with her.

. . . is shouts of 'You so funny!' or 'That's vewy funny!' Along with telling me what is fun, she likes to tell me when something is funny.

. . . is conversations interjected by 'Hey, you stop talking.' and 'What you talking 'bout?' She wants to be a part of everything we do, even our conversations.

. . . is letting my mama bear come out when kids become bullies on the playground. She wants so badly to play with anyone, even if they're hurtful. It's a gift and a curse I feel.

. . . is not having the heart to correct her when she calls her belly button a 'buddy bellon.'

Guest Post • Big Sky Lullaby • Sleep + Summer Vacation

ev's first trip to the beach

Back before I actually had a baby, terms like 'child sleep consultant' and 'sleep training' sounded like a foreign language to me. 'Don't babies sleep a lot?' I would have asked, but it really isn't that simple. Some people get lucky and their kid is just a natural born sleep master who goes down easily at all the right times and stays asleep all night, but the majority of us really have to work at it. It's like a science. Anyway, Diana is a child sleep consultant who shares some of her knowledge through her blog over at Big Sky Lullaby and also offers private consultations. We've been emailing back and forth over the last few months, trying to find time in our busy schedules to exchange ideas and basically just get on the same page. We finally managed to get all of our ducks in a row and make this happen. It's so refreshing to interact with someone to who has an understanding of the hardships in juggling motherhood and a career. As some of you know, this family of mine has been put through the ringer in the sleep department. Ev didn't sleep through the night until she was 18 months old and by 'didn't sleep through the night,' I don't mean she woke up once or twice at night. She was awake around the clock, every two to three hours like a newborn. How we made it through that and solved her sleep issues is another post for another day, but needless to say, a sleep consultant would have been a God-send. Without further adieu, here's Diana with advice on keeping your babies and toddlers on a sleep schedule this Summer.

Sleep should not be compromised in order to enjoy your summer vacation, and the good news is it doesn’t have to be! With summer upon us, I wanted to take this opportunity as a guest blogger to provide some suggestions about maintaining healthy sleep while on family vacations. Believe it or not, there is a way to keep your children on a schedule so that their normal routine is not permanently disrupted, while also getting the opportunity to relax and enjoy your time away!

It's important to take into account your child’s age and the location you'll be traveling to. Be realistic, you can't have late nights with no concern for time, and then expect your child to cooperate the next day. Never forget that sleep begets sleep; in other words, the more they sleep, the more they sleep! When your child is put to bed at a much later time than usual, this can be acceptable if, and only if, your child is on a solid routine to begin with. It is much easier to make an exception for a special occasion and have your child snap back into their normal schedule the following day if their schedule is solid and consistent; however, a week’s vacation doesn't really qualify as a special occasion. 

TRAVEL

Let’s begin with some tips and suggestions for your time spent traveling to your destination. If you're driving to your vacation spot, start your trip at the beginning of your child’s nap time. This is one of my few exceptions to my rule of motion sleep. (More to come on motion sleep.) This will give your child a good amount of time to nap and by the time they wake up, you'll be several hours into your trip. 

If you're flying to your destination, nurse or bottle feed your baby during take-off and landing to help with the pressure on their ears. Buy a small toy that your child has never seen before and pack it for them with some snacks and comfort items. When it is time for them to nap, hand them their usual comfort item that they bring to bed (pacifier, lovey, teddy bear, etc.) and let them know it is time to sleep. Every once in a while, take your toddler for a walk up and down the aisle in order to get their wiggles out.

SLEEP ENVIRONMENT

Once you've arrived at your destination, set up your space in a way that will be as familiar of a sleep environment to your child as possible. For example, bring the big blanket you use to cover them in their crib at home, not just the small one that they use for comfort. Bring some of their stuffed animals or dolls. If you are in a hotel room, you can use a dark corner of the room to set up their pack 'n' play or you can also use the bathroom and treat it like their own room.

Pay extra attention to your bedtime routine; go slow and provide extra comfort and soothing time if needed. Your child might be apprehensive about the new environment at first, but just keep reassuring them that Mom and Dad are nearby, just like at home.

MUST HAVES AND JUST-IN-CASE

Always bring medicine. I travel with everything I would need if my baby were to come down with a fever while we're away. It's very common for a child to catch a cold if they're on a plane, and you don’t want to be caught off guard in the middle of the night, in an unfamiliar place, around unfamiliar people. Here is a list of 'Must Haves' and some 'Just-In-Case' items that I recommend.

Must Haves

• Thermometer (Make sure it has batteries if needed, and the cover to go over the tip that gets changed after each reading.)
• Tylenol and Motrin (Bring both in case you need to switch off using them every four hours.)
• Nose syringe (If your child is having trouble breathing.)
• Saline Drops (Helps clear what the syringe can't.)
• Vicks Vapor Rub
• Gripe water or Gas drops 

Just-In-Case

• Teething tablets (Teeth like to present themselves at the most inconvenient of times, especially the molars!)
• Prune juice or natural child laxative (Many child experience constipation while traveling.)
• Portable Vicks Vaporizer

SUMMER NIGHTS

Let’s be realistic, you didn’t spend all of this money and go through all of this hassle to go on a vacation and not spend some nights out relaxing and enjoying yourself, whatever that may mean for you. In an ideal world we would bring along a babysitter, nanny, sibling or parent who could remain at the hotel after the kids are in bed so that you and your spouse can enjoy some nights out. If that’s a possibility for your family, I highly recommend it. If not, you just need to plan it out in a way that gives everyone time to enjoy themselves without compromising your children’s need for healthy sleep. Here is what I suggest:

If you are going somewhere where you can sit out on your porch and relax after you put the kids to bed at a reasonable hour and enjoy yourselves, this is an ideal situation. It's also something to look for when planning and booking your vacation destination. If you are on vacation with a group of people, plan your nights out in advance and take turns with your spouse. This will eliminate all surprises and will give everyone a turn to relax and enjoy things such as a late dinner or a show.  

OUT AND ABOUT

*Motion sleep occurs when your child sleeps in motion; such as in a car, a swing, or in a stroller. Since the child is in motion although they appear to be asleep, they never enter the deep sleep phase and therefore never benefit from the mental and physical restoration that sleep provides.

However, vacations are an exception to my rule of motion sleep. Although it is not ideal, it is also not detrimental. Motion sleep is often used to “save the over tired state,” meaning that if you are out and about during your vacation and unable to go back to your hotel room in order to put your child down for a nap, let them sleep in the stroller or car. This will prevent them from being overtired at bedtime and ultimately having trouble falling asleep and waking during the night.

The key to a nap during a busy and exciting vacation day is a comfort item. For example, if your child is attached to a lovey, keep it in your bag and then right at their usual nap time, no matter where you are, hand the lovey to your child and this will signal to them that it is time for sleep. Try your best to put a blanket over the stroller to darken the sunlight, or if you are in a car perhaps use a shade for the windows.

TIME CHANGE

If you're traveling to a different time zone, remember that they will not adjust to the time change as quickly as you will, so this needs to be taken into account. I advise parents to watch their child more than they watch the clock and really pay attention to sleep signals. Go about your family’s daily routine as normal and your child will follow your cues and understand when it is time for sleep.

My main piece of advice is to know your child. If they are a sensitive sleeper, don’t push them to adjust to a schedule that you know they will not take to very well. It will just mess with their regular schedule that you probably spent a lot of time and effort getting them on in the first place. If you have a child that adjusts easily to sleep situations, you are lucky and are able to be more flexible. Either way, no matter how quickly your child may adjust, everyone needs healthy amounts of sleep in order to function and ensure that every member of the family enjoys your summer vacation!

You can find Diana over at bigskylullaby.com. Feel free to leave any questions below, as I'm sure Diana would love to answer them.

52 in 2014 • Week 4

01.20. 2014

A few days ago, I read a portion of a parenting book that discouraged parents from letting their toddlers in the kitchen with them. They named several different reasons (safety, snacking would ruin your appetite, teaching you to wait until meal times to eat/not tasting as you go) and I just had the reaction that Madeline has to the Tiger - 'to the Tiger at the zoo Madeline just said poo-poo.' Some of my favorite memories are of all of us in the kitchen together, munching on veggies, you sitting on the counter or standing in a chair on your tip toes, music blaring, Papa and I dancing around the kitchen together. Good food is really important to us, so the majority of our time together is spent cooking. We would hardly see you if we kept you out of the kitchen! It's safe to say that we won't be giving up these joyful times together for the sake of 'proper parenting.' You love to play in the sink and 'help us' and try new foods, and we love to have your company. You are so full of joy and fun - you make mundane chores like cooking so much more enjoyable (most of the time - you're still a two year old after all).

'Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life.'

International Babywearing Week

October 7th through the 13th has been deemed International Babywearing Week! In honor of that, I thought I would post a round up of our favorite 'babywearing' pictures. Some things in life, especially when it comes to parenting, just feel right. When I was pregnant with Ev, I read a lot of pregnancy, birth, and baby care books and blogs, which included a bit of information on the benefits of wearing your baby as opposed to putting them in stroller, swings, and bouncers. I didn't really form an opinion on it before Ev was born, but once she was here, I couldn't imagine not wearing her - like I said, it just felt right. We have a variety of carriers, most of them were given to us or bought used, and each have come in handy in different situations. We have a Moby wrap that we used nearly all day, every day for the first three months. Alex actually made a sling out of a t-shirt and preferred that over the Moby (the Moby is not for the hot natured parents). We switched to the Ergo after a few months, when Ev started becoming a bit more alert and wanted to look around. If I could choose one carrier to buy, it would be the Ergo - it's the one we've gotten the most use out of because it's lightweight and portable, and it's the most comfortable for me (but Alex prefers the frame pack). We got the frame pack as a gift from some friends of ours and it's been really great for hiking and is the one we almost solely use now that Ev is a toddler, unless we don't have the room for it as it's pretty bulky.

Georgia over at Documenting Delight created a video for TULA carriers (which I've had my eye on for a few months - they're the only toddler carriers on the market) and is hosting a giveaway on her Facebook page. All you have to do is share her 'TULA Baby Carriers' video and include what your favorite thing about babywearing is. There are a lot of things I really enjoy about wearing Ev and my favorite thing would be different depending on when you asked me. When she was a newborn, I felt like I was taking advantage of fleeting time when I had her with me. I could soak in all of her smells and sounds. I could rub her soft head and tickle her tiny toes. As she's gotten older and more interactive, my favorite thing about wearing her is that it feels like she is actually a part of what we're doing instead of just an observer from the ground or a stroller. She can watch and learn as I cook, do laundry, sweep, hike, climb. I feel like she feels more included when she is close to Alex and I. We've been able to do so many things together (date night when she was younger and would fall asleep, I miss you) and visit so many places that would have been impossible to navigate with a stroller.

If you enter the TULA giveaway, I'd also be interested to know what you favorite thing about baby wearing is - feel free to leave it in the comments below! I'm also interested in what some of your favorite carriers are?

Simple Living

05/31/2013: A few moments of beauty in our front yard.

A few weeks ago, I blogged about a parenting book called 'Simplicity Parenting.' Alex and I have been talking a lot about ways that we can make our life simpler, so we had discussed plenty of the ideas that this book presented, but reading them from someone else's perspective was really encouraging and motivating. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am a list maker, so naturally my house has been scattered with lists and pens lately. I've basically been dissecting this book and trying to implement the words that spoke to our dreams for our family into our daily lives. I thought I would share some of what is going on inside our heads, the changes I'm trying to make as an individual and in our family.

The book starts with the words, "Parents are the architects of the family's daily lives." I didn't even have to read past the first few pages before I sat down with pen in hand and started 'building' an image of daily life for us. You can see what is important to a family by observing their everyday lives and I knew that we needed to do some rearranging. We've been letting too many things that don't matter rule our schedules and household and are ultimately unsatisfied with most days because we spend too little time doing the things that allow us all to feel whole. We've been distant, unloving, and impatient with each other too often. There have been too many days in the last few months that have ended with burdened spirits and tears, and while most people say, "Well, that's life," we don't want that to be life for our family.

I created a list of priorities in each area of our lives: home and family, Evie, personal, and marriage, then I thought of ways we could be sure to give these things the attention they need each day. The things I want to focus on for our family and in our home are cooking and enjoying meals together, having regular family 'dates,' and creating a simple and comfortable home space. The things that I need, personally, are relaxation breaks throughout the week (yoga, read, take a bath, etc.), time to invest in a creative outlet, a consistent exercise routine, and time to spend on something that will give me a feeling of accomplishment. Evie needs more explorative play and time outside, a calm, predictable rhythm to her days, and more exposure to other kids. Alex and I could really use a date night each month, which will probably be the hardest thing for us to accomplish on this list. It's not easy for me to let just anyone watch Ev and a lot of our friends already have children, so I feel guilty asking them to take on another one. In the realm of paid childcare, the cost of a babysitter usually matches the cost of a date and we aren't in the position to afford a $100 night out every month. Regardless of these things, I want to make it happen because our marriage is important to me and lately it's been getting the leftovers from each of us.

In all honesty, I feel discouraged just looking at this list. I find myself trying to manage all of these things already and fail. Being a stay at home mother in today's society is hard - Alex is busy and tired, there is no family around to carry some of the burdens or give me a break, and I have so much to do at home that getting out of the house usually turns out to cause more stress than it's worth. But I press on and try to see the beauty in each day and extend grace and patience to Alex and Ev because, well, what is the alternative?

Another thing that helped me determine what changes need to be made in our schedule and lifestyle was to imagine a typical day and ask myself what difficulties arise and what times of the day are consistently stressful? Meal times have been hectic and unnerving for awhile now. Evie is usually running wild, destroying everything I spent all day cleaning, pulling dishes out of the cabinets and scattering them everywhere, pulling on my leg and asking for food, and flopping herself on the floor in a fit of rage because it isn't done yet. I've tried giving her snacks between meals and we just go through the same routine and then she won't eat her meal, which is equally frustrating. I've found that the one thing that helps lessen the stress is to have unwavering meal times, especially dinner. An early dinner time usually works to our advantage, so I'm trying to make an effort to make a more detailed meal plan and start on dinner around 4 or 4:30. This makes it really hard to get out of the house in the afternoon, but has made meals a little more enjoyable.

The next stressful thing in our house is keeping up with work around the house each day. I've been trying to find the best times to fit in housework in regards to Evie's mood without compromising nap time because that is the only time that I get to spend doing things solely for myself like blogging or sewing. Lately I've been trying to accomplish a lot of the cleaning in the morning, between breakfast and nap time and that's worked pretty well, especially if I take her for a bike ride or walk after I've finished. I've also been attempting to wake up a hour or so before her, which sounded like lunacy before, but I've actually started looking forward to this time now. I usually make myself some coffee, do yoga while it's brewing, then sit down and journal or read. It's been a nice, quiet time to wrap my head around all the thoughts floating around up there that reduces my stress level on most days by half. I'm attempting to sit down and write out a rhythm (I can never spell this word write no matter how many times I write it.)

Have you read any parenting or family related books that you really enjoyed lately? What kind of rhythms do you establish with your child(ren) that help your days run more smoothly?

I realize this post might have been the most boring one in the history of this blog to most people. Brain vomit is my specialty. You're welcome.

Dear Baby,

When your Papa and I decided we would find out your gender before the birth, I was anxious up until that day, but at the same time, I was nervous. I wondered how I would feel once I knew whether you were my son or daughter. I imagine finding out after I had given birth to you would have been a completely different experience than finding out during an ultrasound. I was worried that I would somehow be disappointed, not with you being a boy or girl, but with our decision, with my impatience. I never thought that I would have any negative feelings - It was just. . . uncharted territory, I guess. It was one of those rights of passage that made me realize just how fast time goes. One day, your Dad and I are broke newlyweds, living for the moment in a one bedroom apartment with art supplies scattered all over the living room and Hamburger Helper on the stove. The next, we've made a human and are in a waiting room, knowing our lives are going to change even more as soon as we see your beating heart and get the news. It was a surreal day, here and gone like a blur. This is the video we made to announce to our family and friends that a little girl will be joining us in February. As it turns out, I don't have any regrets about our decision. I've been able to bond with you in such a different way. I love knowing that those bumps, kicks, and rolls are you, not just my child, my daughter. I have my hands on my belly every few minutes throughout the day, savoring this experience. (Your Papa is a little jealous. He's always jokingly yelling, "Quit playing with my baby!" when he sees me chasing your thumps around my belly with my hands.) I have less than four months to take advantage of this magical time with you, so I'm soaking it up. A lot of nights, I lay in bed with questions dancing in my mind. What kind of personality will you have? Will you be a picky eater? Will you be artistic, like me, or will you have a different talent, something uniquely you? Will you like your Papa's old country music? (It turns out, you do.) Will you love to read like your Papa and I both do? (You do and reading together each day is always a savored moment.) What kind of things will you dream about? Will you love being outside like I did when I was little? (Yes.) As these thoughts take over and flow into each other, there's always an abrupt pause in my running mind when I ask myself, "What do I want for you? What are those memories I want to leave you with, to reminisce over when your childhood is gone? What are the important lessons that I want to be sure you learn?" I'm sure these things will bend and change as time passes, just as you and I will, but right now, these are the best answers I have to these questions. I want you to indulge in and enjoy life. I want to see you conquer the world. I want to watch you explore all you want to explore, learn all that you want to learn, love and be loved. As weird as it sounds, I want to encourage you to devour this world, to have no fear - take hold of your dreams and fight to make them happen. I want you to experience all the shades, tones, and variations of the mental and physical experiences possible in life. This doesn't mean you have to have wild, crazy, jaw-dropping aspirations for yourself for me to be proud of you. This is your life. These are your dreams. Make them as big or small, simple or complicated, close to home or far away as you want. I want to raise you with the same desire I have, to seek and find those people, places, and experiences that will define your own personal joy. I promise we'll always support you in your aspirations and process of self-discovery, whether they're in far away places or in our backyard. The whole wild world is waiting for you. (I can't wait to let you listen to "Wildflowers" by Tom Petty. I can remember your Papa singing it to me as we drove the dirt roads of our hometown in high school, and I can't imagine a song more fitting to what I just finished writing.) At the same time, if you meet someone who makes you stop in your tracks and rethink the path you're on or what you've always wanted, let your guard down. Don't hold onto your dreams too tight and miss out on something more beautiful and fulfilling than any dream you could have - love. Sometimes you just have to let go and let life take you where it wants you. If I hadn't learned that, your Papa and I would be in completely separate places. We wouldn't have had the privilege of building a life together. On the same topic of love, don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Hold out for someone that treasures you, and if you never find that person, don't pity yourself for it. If you do, accept that they can't and will never be able to complete you. Don't try to change them too much. Be content to simply have a companion through life's conflicts.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. Some of the most interesting people I've known didn't know what they wanted to do with their lives. They were just living in the moment, and that's okay, as long as you're happy.

Enjoy the beauty of your youth as best you can. You probably won't understand the beauty of your youth until it has faded but trust me, in just a few short years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and you won't be able to grasp how much opportunity lay ahead of you or how good you actually looked. You are not as fat as you imagine and all those things you were self conscious about at one time or another in your teenage years will no longer be so obvious. On that same note, don't bother with beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Friends come and go, but for the few you meet who are worth it, work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and the different paths in life. The older you get, the more enjoyable it is to still have people in your life that knew you when you were young.

Don't waste your time on jealousy and envy. Depending on who you compare yourself to, sometimes you're ahead and sometimes you're behind. The race of life is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

I've never liked when people would say, "Just be yourself."  It allows you to use the excuse, "That's just who I am." Be who you want to be. If you have to make changes to be a better version of yourself, make them. You're the only one who you'll have to spend your entire life with, so don't sell yourself short. You can make the best or worst of life. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you've never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you ever find that you're not, I hope you're strong and brave enough to start all over again.

All the Love in the Universe,
Mama

Rhythm

Image Source.

All I've ever wanted to be is a mother. . .

Of course, I've wanted to be a million other things as well - a doctor, an astronaut, a fashion magazine editor, but all of these things have come and gone and changed over time. My desire to be a mother has never wavered, and I've never doubted that I would have children. Whether biological or adopted, my home would feel the joy of a new life. I was sure of it. It wasn't a matter of whether I wanted children or how many, but when. Even as a little girl, I looked forward to the day that one of those M.A.S.H. scenarios would come true. (Does anyone else remember playing that game in elementary school? I'm not sure whether it was just a 90's kids' thing or not.)

I'm almost five months pregnant, and it's still unbelievable - we're going to have a baby!

However, we aren't going to only have a baby, we're going to have a toddler, a child, a teenager, a college student, and eventually an adult. This adventure has just begun, but there are already so many decisions to be made. Some of them need to be researched and decided on soon - vaccinate on schedule, spread them out over a longer period of time, or refuse to vaccinate at all? Co-sleep or crib sleep? Spank or find alternative ways of punishment? These are all important questions that I think every parent to be should research whether they're already sure of an answer or not, but what I've been pondering over more often than these controversial questions is our lifestyle. What kind of home do we want to create and have our children remember? What do we want our day to day schedule to say to our children? How do we raise our kids in a way that produces good people, good adults that are going to go out and enhance the world we live in, not just well behaved kids? I've been dwelling on these questions and I know the answers and can picture the kind of home I want my children to grow up in, but can't seem to put it all into accurate words. As I read this post over at Becoming Sarah, it resonated with me. Those are the words I've been trying to put together. That is the kind of home I've been trying to describe, and a rhythm is what we need to be focusing on, "not a schedule.  Nothing rigid or time-oriented.  Something simple.  An ebb and flow to our days, our weeks, our months, our years, our life, that is easy for [our children] to connect to and understand.  A pattern of behavior that is, to our family, like breathing in and breathing out.  A routine.  Something that not only enables [our children] to learn at [their] own pace, but also gives us consistent pockets of time during which to set aside the laundry and turn off the music and focus on [them] and help [them] pursue [their] interests."

We want to cultivate curiosity, instead of stamping it out and saying "I don't have time for your silly questions." We want to encourage the magic of childhood to flourish in our home through hiking and adventuring, craft making, book reading, fort building - all those things that we never did enough of as a kid. We too have decided to homeschool and have been looking for a starting line, a place to begin preparing ourselves and an age to begin teaching our kids, so that we're not like, "Oh, you're five. It's time to start learning." We want learning to be ingrained in our kids lives, so that it doesn't really feel like learning at all, but everyday life. We want to create a stable and reliable family lifestyle, and establish a warm and nurturing environment. We want to listen, really listen, to what our kids have to say. We want to treat them like people, not ignorant children or mature adults, just people that are capable of mistakes and feelings and desires just like any of the rest of us.

So now we have a game plan: building a rhythm will be our first step.