FILM • WINTER 2013

I have hours and hours and hours of video footage on multiple thumb drives from years ago, so I've started trying to compile them into short videos. Here's one from Winter of 2013 - our last few months in New Mexico before we moved to Brooklyn.

Earlier today, Evie was watching me edit the video. She started to tear up and when she spoke, I could hear her choking back tears. She said, "I wish I could be like that again." I asked, "Like what?" "So cute and happy and nice, like I am there."

A few hours before that, we were in a tussle about something. I'm sure it was me asking her to do something and her adamantly and violently refusing. I'm not even sure what I said to her, but I remember I was trying to encourage her. I was trying to complement her and build her up to help her feel up for the task I asked her to do. She yelled back at me, "I'm just a stupid, disrespectful kid!'

Parenting a five year old has been hard, but I'm convinced being five has to be a lot harder. When we've had a day like today, I wonder if I've done something to royally screw this up. I wonder if all kids say these kinds of things, think these kinds of things about themselves.

I've been reading parenting books and articles for years, trying to gain an idea of what kind of parent I want to be, hoping desperately that I can do this right. I still have no idea what I'm doing most days, but I have learned that parenting her the 'normal' way isn't an option. She isn't 'normal,' but I love her that way. The extra effort that I have to put into being her Mama is worth it.

SOME (LATE) CHRISTMAS BITS

I'm only a few weeks late, but hey! We had a major laptop malfunction that has temporarily been fixed with cables running out of all sides of it like IVs in a hospital, and each time I sit down to write I feel like I'm holding onto the hand of a friend, willing them to keep going. This little MacBook has been through it all with me. I've been busy trying to back up an enormous amount of pictures that date back to college and it's giving me all the feelings. I have yet to get to the newborn Evie portion - I'm sure I'll be a hormonal mess for a few days after that. Anyway, I'm back in business for a bit as long as the temporary fix holds out long enough for me to say 'no' to all the cute baby things (at least until said baby actually gets here) and opt for saving for a new computer instead.

Though it's been a few weeks, I couldn't help but share some bits of our Christmas.

I really didn't have high hopes for this Christmas - everything about our life is in waiting right now and Christmas has always been the time of year that makes me appreciate home the most. We have no home at the moment and I anticipated that making me a bit weepy, but I put on my Santa pants and made the best of it all. Before Ev and I left Albuquerque, we wandered the aisles of Target for half of a day planning out all the tiniest details of Christmas, down to a tiny Christmas tree with tiny twinkly lights. I packed it all into the back of our Jeep and felt a lot like I was driving the Grinch's sled off to Missouri. When we got here, we did all the traditional Christmas things that we always do and it wasn't quite as depressing as I thought it might be. I made the rookie mom mistake of telling Ev Christmas was coming soon, fully expecting her to shrug her shoulders and move on, but instead she lit up like a firecracker (or Christmas light) and asked me every morning and night when Christmas would be here. I didn't make the mistake of saying anything about presents; however, some kind of kid magic happened in which she instinctively knew that presents belonged under that tree and she kept shouting from the rooftops (or couch top), 'But where are the presents?!' We don't do Santa and even had a conversation along the lines of him being like a character in a book, so she was especially curious, and a bit panicked about who would bring the presents (like in the books we read) if Santa isn't real.

One night, I laid down next to her for our nightly routine where she wraps her arms around my head in a death squeeze and I mumble out the tune of a few songs - she leans over, looks me right in the eyes with one hand on my cheek, and whispers in my ear with all her toddler impediments, 'I know where the pwesents are. You and Papa hid them in the cwoset. . . It's ok dough. I won't wook.' She also insisted on no longer using any form of a proper greeting and would greet us with 'Mewwy Twistmas' instead of 'good morning' or 'good night.' I actually got another 'Merry Christmas, Mama' on this mid-January day as we put the tree away, but it seemed fitting. I like the way the girl thinks - squeeze one more in before the last bits of Christmas get packed away. For a few years there I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I had married a scrooge. Where was my fellow Christmas elf? After this Christmas, I think Ev will do a fine job. She has such an overwhelming Christmas spirit - she might bring out a little scrooge I didn't know I had in me.

So let's start with Christmas Eve.

I introduced her to her first proper hot cocoa in her own tiny Christmas mug and she was smitten. She's asked for more for the past three days and she practically hyperventilates when she starts to describe what she wants, '. . .the hot milk with the powdah (breathing heavily) and the BIG SMARSHMALLOW!' Mini marshmallows are just not welcome in the Jacobs household. It makes me very sad when the marshmallows melt. I prefer to drink my cocoa around my big fat marshmallow and let it get all melty on the outside - when the anticipation is too much I fish it out and eat it all in one bite in a very attractive manner, cocoa running down my chin.

KEEP CALM CRAFT ON • HANDMADE CHRISTMAS GIFTS

There's something about Winter that puts me in the mood to create, work with my hands, make things for the people I love. I've really been itching to bring out my sewing machine and start preparing clothes and blankets and the like for this Spring baby, but pretty much my entire studio is in storage - so I've been hoarding things on my Pinterest boards to compensate. I did happen to grab my knitting bag and all the yarn I could fit in it and find a little spot for when packing up the car, so that's been my creative outlet here in Missouri. Back in July, I finished a scarf up for Alex that was intended to be a February birthday scarf. I've had a matching hat on my to-do list since (I'm quite the procrastinating crocheter it seems). I knew we would be on a tight budget for Christmas this year and I guess that was just the excuse that I needed to get motivated and whip one up. I used this video tutorial, but started with 16 stitches instead of 12 since my yarn was a bit thinner than what she uses in the video. I finished off the edge by alternating between front post double crochet and back post double crochet to give it a ribbed look. Alex seems pretty fond of it and says it's warm, so I consider it a success for my first attempt at a beanie, especially since I had to tweak the pattern and wing it a bit. He catches me staring at him a lot when he wears it because I just can't get over how neat it is that I made that and it doesn't look like he's wearing a pot holder on his head or something. I touched each stitch and it actually looks like a hat.

We spent Thanksgiving weekend in Los Alamos and a friend gave me a crash course in knitting while we were there. I've always wanted to learn, but just haven't had the patience to wade through Youtube videos to teach myself. I played around for a few weeks before deciding I was confident enough to set out on a legitimate project. A little scarf for Ev seemed doable, so I started with 24 stitches and used a garter stitch until I felt like it was long enough (180 rows or so). I added the tassels to the end because she had been asking for a 'colorful scarf,' and I'm really pleased with how it turned out. I don't have the things I need to block anything, but my stitches were all pretty tight and even and the little imperfections seem to make it all come together as a kid scarf, in my opinion. I think I'm going to try my hand at a cowl for myself next. I'd really like to move beyond scarves and start knitting in the round to make a hat, but that seems a bit overwhelming right now. We'll see. I also have plans to knit a little mustard yellow bonnet for the new babe, but I obviously have no newborn to test it on - so Ev's baby doll will probably have to suffice.

I'm linking up with Keep Calm, Craft On over at Frontier Dreams.

'The act of creating, in one form or another, preserves my sanity amongst the chaos of life.

This explains why I always have more than one project going at a time as well as why my housework tends to fall behind. I enjoy seeing what others are working on and keeping calm with, too.

What are you creating? What is keeping you going?'

OUR FIRST SNOW!

Ev is really one of the only two year olds I've ever met who is so in tune with the weather. Each day she wakes up, each walk we take, she always mentions what the weather is like. 'It's windy today, Mama! The sun is out right now! It's rainy outside today!' As she watches the sky grow darker from the windows, she always says something along the lines of, 'It's almost night time, Mama?' As we drove over the hills and through the mountains headed into Albuquerque yesterday, she saw a hint of light on the edge of the horizon and said, 'The sun is almost down guys.' As we came to the last bend in the highway and looked out over the city, she spotted all the city lights and said, 'It was probably just all dose lights, huh?' She's been sensing the change in weather and noticing things like us putting on jackets before going outside. When she'd ask why I would tell her Winter is coming. From all of the books we've read, she knows Winter and snow go together, so she would look out the window for snow each time I said that. She's been waiting for snow for months. I'm not even sure she knew exactly what snow was, just that the concept of it was exciting. The morning of our first snow here, she woke up and peeled apart the blinds like she always does and yelled, 'Hey! There's snow out der! Winter is here!' and finished that off with a celebratory jump off the bed. The one thing she couldn't stop talking about as we donned our snow gear was tasting the snow. She remembered when I made her snow cream for the first time at our old house close to a year ago.

So we ventured outside after we had gotten all bundled up and put some breakfast in our bellies and Ev decided the first thing she wanted to do was sit and eat mittens full of snow. We went for a little walk through the woods and she spotted the Juniper berries still on the branches covered in white. We put a bowl out to catch the flakes still falling from the sky. We hit the slopes a few times with our sled in hand, but decided there wasn't quite enough on the ground to make it worth the effort. Alex tried to show her how to make a snow angel, but she was adamant that the snow would get in her eyes. When we headed back inside we made snow cream together and followed it up with a bubble bath and cups of hot tea. Later, Alex came home from work and Ev recited each ingredient of snow cream to him - there aren't many, but I gave her props for being two and remembering a recipe. This really was the perfect snow day in my opinion - the snow was fluffy, not a bit sludgy, the temperature wasn't frigid and there was no wind trying to make it's way through your jacket and into your soul. I'm probably the worst grump you'll ever meet when it comes to Winter, but my joy in each season has increased since having a two year old that loves everything about every season.

A List

a farmer's market we popped into a few weeks ago

It's been a bit quiet around here. I've come to this space periodically over the past few days and the words just haven't been there. We've all been battling the 'Spring is approaching' sickness that I've come to loathe (we think we've beat the winter sickness at the same time each year and then it sneaks up on us), but like I said yesterday, there's a lot of emotional exhaustion to blame as well. There is so much to be done, so much on hold while we gather the strength to move onto the next stage of our lives, so much to dream about but no energy to act on it; I thought this list would help sort out some of the panicky feelings that have been working their way into our days. I'm so ready to get back to our normal life, but I know that's a long way off - we have yet another move and a job hunt and a deployment to overcome this year before normal settles in for good. I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it, but I still have my doubts.

Creating your own happiness is such a hard concept for me to accept. It's complicated really because it all depends on what perspective you're looking at happiness from - on one side happiness could equal a bigger home, more things to decorate your home, a larger salary, which all sound a bit shallow - or it could be a perfect for your family, but humble apartment that is still outside of what you can afford, a peaceful home atmosphere that would require things you can't afford, and the desire to have money left over after you pay the bills. It's all in how you say it, I guess, but does it really make your desires any different - aren't they still rooted in greed and the desire for comfort? I turn these things over in my head night after night and come to no conclusion. Sometimes I avoid talking about religion here because really, it brings up more questions from me than answers and I don't know many people who just like to ponder and never arrive at a conclusion. I've come to a point in my life where I'm tired of being made to feel guilty for the small things I desire in life. I'm tired of being expected to question my every action and motive and moment in the name of religion. I'm tired of being asked to pour judgement on people in the name of Christ. I didn't intend on rambling on for quite this long when I sat down to write, but it's late and I'm alone with a heavy heart and that seems to make the words pour out. My thoughts are winding down, however, so I'll leave with you with a list, a taking stock of life sort of list. Feel free to join in and post the link below.

making: a scarf for Alex (hoping to finish it before the weather turns warm so he may get a little use out of it this year)
cooking: nothing exciting - the fridge is a bit bare after being gone all weekend
drinking: the last of the echinacea tea
reading: Travels with Charley by Steinbeck and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids - highly recommend them both
wanting: a coffee shop date with myself and a sketch pad
looking: for our next home
playing: classical music in the car for the past two months because it was the only station we could find when we drove into DC and I've come to love it
wasting: as little as possible, except for the occasional half cup of coffee
sewing: a lot of things in my head like a scrap quilt, curtains, or a doll carrier for Ev, but they'll have to wait
wishing: I could find peace in the valleys, but I've never been good at that
enjoying: this animated, talkative little girl that I wake up to each day - how did that happen so fast?
waiting: for it all to align
liking: the dream. do. discover. course I'm taking
wondering: how people with toddlers even get sick and manage to recover without rest
loving: the blips of Spring weather we've been getting in between the snow storms
hoping: for a lot, but hope is what keeps us all afloat
marveling: at how much the city felt like home for the few days we were there
needing: some routine and rhythm again
smelling: dog breathe - as much as I want to be, I'm just not an animal person
wearing: sweatpants -  I really need to start actually getting dressed every day just because it makes me feel good
following: this blog and this blog and this blog and this blog - I have an eclectic taste in daily entertainment
noticing: little things that bring me joy each day or at least I'm trying to
knowing: that it will all work out
thinking: too much
feeling: too much
bookmarking: apartment ideas - getting ahead of myself like I always do
opening: a package from my Dad for Ev that had a purple polka dotted mouse in it - she has named it 'Pizza'
laughing: with my husband and it feels good
feeling: a little overwhelmed, but I'm moving past it

DC Adventures • National Gallery of Art

So Tuesday morning started out with a little bit of this. . .

Our favorite breakfast right now - steel cut oats with blueberries, almonds, a sprinkle of sugar, and a splash of cream.

. . . and a little bit of this.

Then we said goodbye to Papa like we always do, but he came back through the door just an hour later and I couldn't stop smiling. The stock truck was supposed to come that morning, but was rescheduled, so they sent him home. He's been working nonstop over the last month or so to save up the money to get to Brooklyn because well, we mostly hate D.C. but maybe a little less on days like this. What we both really wanted to do was lay around with unwashed hair in our pajamas and drink coffee all day and watch old Meg Ryan movies on Netflix. Well we probably would have argued about watching Meg Ryan all day, but I digress. Ev and I have been suffering from serious cabin fever these days and although it makes it a little more bearable and cozier inside with Alex home, Ev was still antsy. It was early, so we decided to drive into the District to see one of the many museums we've had every intention of seeing by now, but well, it's Winter and the trek is long with a toddler in tow. We settled on the National Gallery of Art and while it was definitely worth the free admission, it was no Georgia O'Keeffe museum. That one's my favorite. Maybe I was just overwhelmed? I really enjoyed the Monet and Van Gogh section, but for the most part we wandered around in the stuffy portraits and made jokes about how many nipples we could spot in each room (Ok, maybe that monologue was in my head. . .), then we ran out of time and had to get back to our car because we could only find a 2 hour spot when we came in and I had already fed the meter an entire jar full of change (no, seriously - I keep a Mason jar of change in my floor board that I could probably kill someone with if they ever tried to rob me). It was an outing, nonetheless, and we were all a bit happier as we left, but hungry, so we stopped by District Taco in the Eastern Market area. Ev fell asleep in the car on the way there and by some miracle - the parenting Gods were on our side that day - she stayed asleep as we got out of the car and walked her down the street and laid her in a booth. She slept through the entire 40 minutes the parking meter gave us to eat and it sort of felt like a mini date. There may have been some goofy smiles and quiet high fives at the dinner table because 'hey, free date!'

Obligatory ceiling shot.

I love a man that takes charge of the stroller, but not more than a man baby wearing.

My goal was to get just one picture of her looking at a painting studiously then I would put my camera away, but the skylight in the ceiling was way more interesting. And I had plans to put a picture of Ev and I in front of a Van Gogh painting here, but the sweater I was wearing was too short and every time I bent down next to the stroller my butt crack was showing and it was in every picture, so there's that.

And here's a picture of a meltdown because I'm a doofus and forgot to pack a snack in the bag and it was past lunch time and it was nap time, so in toddler-land that's basically the end of it all. On another note, isn't the way she holds her own hand the cutest? I think that's how you survive the toddler years, "She's screaming for a snack and I have no snack and I'm getting really stressed out - oh look how cute her hands are!" So we asked a nice security guard where the nearest snacks were and headed that way where we shared a tiny banana bread and bottle of milk and found a fountain that made her day. She flipped her lid over the 'big wah-wah!'

When the day was done, we made our way back to the apartment and resumed our winter hibernation. Let's all hope it doesn't snow again and Spring comes soon because the Jacobs family is losing it.

The end.

P.S. Our trip to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History.
And a trip down memory lane when we went to the Georgia O'Keeffe museum for my 23rd birthday.

If you enjoyed my winter-induced pyschotic rambling, feel free to click the link below and vote for HMRM.
I hope you all enjoy your weekend!

Evie Creates • Googly Eyed Valentines

little hands trying to steal googly eyes

You know, I'm a really big proponent of technology - I mean I use it and enjoy it every day, but sometimes I just miss the pen-pal days. Sometimes I wish that someone would just pick up the phone and call or send a letter instead of checking in on Facebook or sending a quick text. Why does everything have to be 'quick' these days, especially when it comes to our relationships? I've been thinking a lot about ways that we can connect more as a family without technology lately and one of the most obvious ways is a handwritten card. We were wandering the isles of the craft store and Ev spotted the googly eyes. She thought they were so funny and was laughing loud and hard, saying 'EYE!' over and over again, so I grabbed a few packs of big ones and some materials to make cards for Valentine's Day to send to our faraway family. I say this craft is 'for toddlers' because finding ideas that are two year old appropriate is hard, but I think any kid would enjoy this and there is so much you can do with this basic idea. The main things that you'll need are a handful of some sort of plain cards/envelopes, some paint/brushes, googly eyes, heart stickers, and letter stickers. I also used some washi tape to spruce up the cards and seal the envelopes. All of our craft supplies are in storage, but I found most of this stuff on sale at Michael's. (They also always have coupons online.) I made some homemade stamps from a potato and a toilet paper roll too, but Ev doesn't grasp the concept of a stamp yet, so they weren't used much. She mostly just dipped them in paint and smudged it around.

painting a 'nun' (sun)

We started with the part Ev could do on her own and I finished the cards while she was napping the next day. We just used a cheap pink acrylic paint and I taped the card down to make it a little easier for her to manage. After it dried I hot glued the eyes to the cards and decorated with washi tape and stickers. I used some of the extra stickers to spell out some of the names of the people we're sending them to and 'Evie' on the others. Then I wrote some little notes in each of them, addressed them, and sealed them up with a bit of pretty tape. It was fun for her, simple for me, and I think our family members will get a smile out of them.

Have you done any toddler-friendly crafts for Valentine's Day?