I have hours and hours and hours of video footage on multiple thumb drives from years ago, so I've started trying to compile them into short videos. Here's one from Winter of 2013 - our last few months in New Mexico before we moved to Brooklyn.
Earlier today, Evie was watching me edit the video. She started to tear up and when she spoke, I could hear her choking back tears. She said, "I wish I could be like that again." I asked, "Like what?" "So cute and happy and nice, like I am there."
A few hours before that, we were in a tussle about something. I'm sure it was me asking her to do something and her adamantly and violently refusing. I'm not even sure what I said to her, but I remember I was trying to encourage her. I was trying to complement her and build her up to help her feel up for the task I asked her to do. She yelled back at me, "I'm just a stupid, disrespectful kid!'
Parenting a five year old has been hard, but I'm convinced being five has to be a lot harder. When we've had a day like today, I wonder if I've done something to royally screw this up. I wonder if all kids say these kinds of things, think these kinds of things about themselves.
I've been reading parenting books and articles for years, trying to gain an idea of what kind of parent I want to be, hoping desperately that I can do this right. I still have no idea what I'm doing most days, but I have learned that parenting her the 'normal' way isn't an option. She isn't 'normal,' but I love her that way. The extra effort that I have to put into being her Mama is worth it.
Piecing together these little videos has really become one of my favorite hobbies. As a result, I have hours and hours (and hours) of little snippets of our life uploaded on the computer that haven't seen the light of Youtube yet. It all started with our 2.5 week road trip through the South that we took last Summer. I had no intentions of doing this each season for the rest of eternity, but I really can't give it up. I've almost come to enjoy getting creative with my camera's video function more than taking photos, but piecing these videos together is pretty time intensive. This is only the third one I've made, but I feel like my skills are getting a bit better with each one and I've gotten quicker at navigating iMovie (which really isn't a great program, as I'm working with a laptop from 2008 that won't allow me to upgrade to the new version of any software - any suggestions on a similar, but affordable Apple-friendly video editing program?). I'm looking forward to getting a better lens for videos too.
Going through all of this old footage was really hard for me. 'Nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed.' I saw this quote on Pinterest a few months ago and it's stuck with me since. It isn't profoundly inspirational, but it's become a leg to stand on in our house over these past few months. Anytime we're reminiscing over our time in Albuquerque and the other responds with a sigh, we always mutter, 'Nostalgia is a dirty liar' and nod in agreement. I look at these pieces of video and I have to remind myself that I've captured all the good moments, which is what you want when you're documenting your family, but it's hard to remember there was so much going on in the background that has slipped from your memory. There were long hours at work. There was loneliness. There was a house we wanted to make a home, but couldn't because the mortgage was all we could afford, but there was also a lot of hope. And there was a lot of joy. And there was a lot of love.
Fall in Albuquerque is this magical season when it feels perfect outside for months in a row. You really can't complain about the weather at any time in Albuquerque, except in May when Winter has dwindled along and shows up sporadically in what is supposed to be Spring. I've really never loved being outside in a place so much. Growing up in Phoenix, well, everyone knows it's just hot outside. That's all I really remember about Phoenix. I have no memory of Winter when it's supposedly 75 degrees and lovely. I was just hot. And growing up in Alabama, all I remember are the days of 95 degree weather with air so thick with humidity you feel like you can't breathe and I remember the cold mornings and running to catch the school bus at 6:45 A.M. It's as disgusting as it sounds. But when I think of Albuquerque, I will always remember the beautiful clear skies, the crisp desert air, the light breeze through the tops of the trees in our backyard, and baby giggles coming from a swinging hammock. Mornings spent on the patio with a cup of coffee, a good book, and my feet in a patch of sunlight come in at a close second. Fall was full in 2013 - the Balloon Fiesta, hiking in Los Alamos with friends (Hey Ian and Allie - we miss you guys!), and a trip to the Pumpkin Patch. I didn't even get a chance to fit in pumpkin carving or playing in leaves, but I plan on making a Fall part two video soon.
Here's a little video of our Summer adventures to bring some joy to your Tuesday. It was so nice to reminisce of warm days in the midst of the really cold and rainy weather we've been having on the East coast. These clips have been waiting around for months now and I finally forced myself to sit down and devote some time to putting them all together last weekend. It sounds like a chore, but I really love sifting through all of the videos to create these. The finished product is really rewarding. If you want to have video footage of your memories, but aren't sure how to manage all of the clips, separating them into months or seasons is a great way to organize them all. If you do decide to start creating little videos of your family adventures, be sure to share them with me - I really love watching them! (One of my favorite blogs, Documenting Delight, has some great ones.) If it seems overwhelming, it isn't - the more videos I create, the better I get and the faster I can put them together.
Here's a short video of the road trip we took back in May to bring a little joy to your Monday.
We were on the road for two and a half weeks and traveled from Albuquerque through Graham, Texas and all the way to Alabama and on the way back we ventured through New Orleans and San Antonio and came up through Carlsbad, New Mexico to make our way back home.
We enjoyed ourselves so much. I think we could live life on the road.
You're becoming more and more alert every day. Papa started a game with you a few days ago when you were laying on his chest. He would put his hands flat underneath your feet and you would use them to push your way onto his pillow. This morning you started to scoot along the bed, so he put his hands under your feet and let you keep going until you had stuck your head underneath the pillow. You did this over and over until you decided you had had enough and it was nap time.
We gave you your first bath tonight. You seemed a little scared at first, but didn't cry. You just cuddled up to Papa and scanned the room with both eyes. Instead of buying a baby bathtub, we decided to just get in the bathtub with you and lay you on our legs to wash you. Your Papa and I both used to think that baby shampoo was what made babies smell so good, but you seem to smell good on your own. We both sniff your head and kiss your cheeks a million times a day.
When your Papa and I decided we would find out your gender before the birth, I was anxious up until that day, but at the same time, I was nervous. I wondered how I would feel once I knew whether you were my son or daughter. I imagine finding out after I had given birth to you would have been a completely different experience than finding out during an ultrasound. I was worried that I would somehow be disappointed, not with you being a boy or girl, but with our decision, with my impatience. I never thought that I would have any negative feelings - It was just. . . uncharted territory, I guess. It was one of those rights of passage that made me realize just how fast time goes. One day, your Dad and I are broke newlyweds, living for the moment in a one bedroom apartment with art supplies scattered all over the living room and Hamburger Helper on the stove. The next, we've made a human and are in a waiting room, knowing our lives are going to change even more as soon as we see your beating heart and get the news. It was a surreal day, here and gone like a blur. This is the video we made to announce to our family and friends that a little girl will be joining us in February.
As it turns out, I don't have any regrets about our decision. I've been able to bond with you in such a different way. I love knowing that those bumps, kicks, and rolls are you, not just my child, my daughter. I have my hands on my belly every few minutes throughout the day, savoring this experience. (Your Papa is a little jealous. He's always jokingly yelling, "Quit playing with my baby!" when he sees me chasing your thumps around my belly with my hands.) I have less than four months to take advantage of this magical time with you, so I'm soaking it up. A lot of nights, I lay in bed with questions dancing in my mind. What kind of personality will you have? Will you be a picky eater? Will you be artistic, like me, or will you have a different talent, something uniquely you? Will you like your Papa's old country music? (It turns out, you do.) Will you love to read like your Papa and I both do? (You do and reading together each day is always a savored moment.) What kind of things will you dream about? Will you love being outside like I did when I was little? (Yes.) As these thoughts take over and flow into each other, there's always an abrupt pause in my running mind when I ask myself, "What do I want for you? What are those memories I want to leave you with, to reminisce over when your childhood is gone? What are the important lessons that I want to be sure you learn?" I'm sure these things will bend and change as time passes, just as you and I will, but right now, these are the best answers I have to these questions.
I want you to indulge in and enjoy life. I want to see you conquer the world. I want to watch you explore all you want to explore, learn all that you want to learn, love and be loved. As weird as it sounds, I want to encourage you to devour this world, to have no fear - take hold of your dreams and fight to make them happen. I want you to experience all the shades, tones, and variations of the mental and physical experiences possible in life. This doesn't mean you have to have wild, crazy, jaw-dropping aspirations for yourself for me to be proud of you. This is your life. These are your dreams. Make them as big or small, simple or complicated, close to home or far away as you want. I want to raise you with the same desire I have, to seek and find those people, places, and experiences that will define your own personal joy. I promise we'll always support you in your aspirations and process of self-discovery, whether they're in far away places or in our backyard. The whole wild world is waiting for you. (I can't wait to let you listen to "Wildflowers" by Tom Petty. I can remember your Papa singing it to me as we drove the dirt roads of our hometown in high school, and I can't imagine a song more fitting to what I just finished writing.)
At the same time, if you meet someone who makes you stop in your tracks and rethink the path you're on or what you've always wanted, let your guard down. Don't hold onto your dreams too tight and miss out on something more beautiful and fulfilling than any dream you could have - love. Sometimes you just have to let go and let life take you where it wants you. If I hadn't learned that, your Papa and I would be in completely separate places. We wouldn't have had the privilege of building a life together. On the same topic of love, don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Hold out for someone that treasures you, and if you never find that person, don't pity yourself for it. If you do, accept that they can't and will never be able to complete you. Don't try to change them too much. Be content to simply have a companion through life's conflicts. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. Some of the most interesting people I've known didn't know what they wanted to do with their lives. They were just living in the moment, and that's okay, as long as you're happy. Enjoy the beauty of your youth as best you can. You probably won't understand the beauty of your youth until it has faded but trust me, in just a few short years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and you won't be able to grasp how much opportunity lay ahead of you or how good you actually looked. You are not as fat as you imagine and all those things you were self conscious about at one time or another in your teenage years will no longer be so obvious. On that same note, don't bother with beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. Friends come and go, but for the few you meet who are worth it, work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and the different paths in life. The older you get, the more enjoyable it is to still have people in your life that knew you when you were young. Don't waste your time on jealousy and envy. Depending on who you compare yourself to, sometimes you're ahead and sometimes you're behind. The race of life is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself. I've never liked when people would say, "Just be yourself." It allows you to use the excuse, "That's just who I am." Be who you want to be. If you have to make changes to be a better version of yourself, make them. You're the only one who you'll have to spend your entire life with, so don't sell yourself short. You can make the best or worst of life. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you've never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you ever find that you're not, I hope you're strong and brave enough to start all over again. All the Love in the Universe, Mama
Monday morning around 9:30 I stood staring down at a positive pregnancy test. By 5:30 that afternoon, I had already told Alex. That I was excited and stink at keeping secrets is an understatement. He's still in training and he's required to stay in the dorms (We only have one more month left of living separately!), so I go and pick him up on base every day around 5:15. When he got into the car, I told him I had a surprise for him and I made him put on a mask and listen to music on my iPhone. I was only taking him back to the apartment, but I wanted to disorient him as much as possible so he wouldn't suspect anything. We only live like 1/4 mile outside the base gate, so I took a few detours and did a few u-turns so he wouldn't guess where we were when we got out. I also texted him earlier that day to tell him that I had started my period to throw him off even more. That's why at one point in the video he says, "I can't believe you lied to me."
Once we got to the apartment, I got out of the car, walked around and opened his door, turned his music up, and helped him out of the car. As we started to walk to the door, our neighbor's insane dog started barking and running around Alex's feet. I was afraid he was going to recognize the dog's bark or that the dog was going to bite him, so I pulled him along faster and faster as he yelled, "Slow down!" and our neighbor's looked at me like I was crazy and ran circles around us trying to keep their dog away. I got to explain to them later that I'm pregnant and was surprising him, so now they know that I don't regularly bring my husband home in a mask and drag him up the stairs yelling. At the time, I was ready to strangle that dog, but it actually made Alex think we were at the pound and I was surprising him with a puppy so it worked to my advantage. (Sorry you don't get a puppy yet, love. I hope the baby makes up for it!) Once I got him up the stairs and in the door, the rest is on video. I don't cry easily, but even the video doesn't do his reaction justice. As a placed his hand on my stomach and stood staring at his face, I saw it all click and that's when the tears started rolling. I saw his face go from confusion, to shock, to excitement in less than two seconds and it was amazing.
This marks the end and the beginning - the end of the long road to become parents, and the beginning of a long journey as parents. I called the Women's Health Clinic this morning and they confirmed that the blood test came back positive and I am indeed pregnant. We went out to celebrate with a group of Alex's classmates, then we came back and made phone calls to announce the good news to a few close friends. We thought we would start with friends first and work our way to family since we know those phone calls will be longer. The family phone calls start tomorrow!
As far as pregnancy symptoms go, the only noticeable sign that I've had has been implantation cramping that I had mistaken for menstrual cramps. I've been feeling a little hot (but we are in Texas in June after all), having to pee more regularly (but I'm also trying to drink more water), and feeling tired (but I haven't been sleeping well from all the excitement either). I'm trying to take advantage of and enjoy still feeling somewhat normal because I know it could possibly be a matter of time before the morning sickness hits. I think I'm probably 5 or 6 weeks along, but I'll have to wait for out first doctor's appointment to know for sure. We're waiting on our referral from Tricare to come in the mail, then I'll be able to call and make the appointment. I'm so thankful that we were able to conceive naturally, without any medical intervention, and I'm praying that this little guy or girl sticks around. To be given the one thing that I've wanted my entire and at times thought I may never get to experience is overwhelming and surreal.
