FILM • WINTER 2013

I have hours and hours and hours of video footage on multiple thumb drives from years ago, so I've started trying to compile them into short videos. Here's one from Winter of 2013 - our last few months in New Mexico before we moved to Brooklyn.

Earlier today, Evie was watching me edit the video. She started to tear up and when she spoke, I could hear her choking back tears. She said, "I wish I could be like that again." I asked, "Like what?" "So cute and happy and nice, like I am there."

A few hours before that, we were in a tussle about something. I'm sure it was me asking her to do something and her adamantly and violently refusing. I'm not even sure what I said to her, but I remember I was trying to encourage her. I was trying to complement her and build her up to help her feel up for the task I asked her to do. She yelled back at me, "I'm just a stupid, disrespectful kid!'

Parenting a five year old has been hard, but I'm convinced being five has to be a lot harder. When we've had a day like today, I wonder if I've done something to royally screw this up. I wonder if all kids say these kinds of things, think these kinds of things about themselves.

I've been reading parenting books and articles for years, trying to gain an idea of what kind of parent I want to be, hoping desperately that I can do this right. I still have no idea what I'm doing most days, but I have learned that parenting her the 'normal' way isn't an option. She isn't 'normal,' but I love her that way. The extra effort that I have to put into being her Mama is worth it.

FOUR

SIX MONTHS OF SIBLINGS

 

FAMILY DATE NIGHT

Last Friday was such a perfect day - I'm pretty sure a smile didn't leave my face. Alex came home early and told me that he had a surprise planned for Evie and I. He had mentioned it earlier in the week, but I had completely forgotten. He usually has no interest in going anywhere on Friday nights after a long week at work, but I was getting stir crazy, so I was really glad that he was so excited about doing something fun with Ev and I. Usually it's just her and I for these kinds of things, but it just always feels right when Papa comes along. Before we could start our date, he had a work function he had to go to, so Ev and I rode with him and passed the time playing in a nearby park. That in itself made my weekend. It was so beautiful outside - blue skies, bright sun, practically the perfect temperature. It was like Fall was bidding us farewell with the best she's ever given. Evie was beside herself with joy - all smiles and giggles, making her little legs work as hard and as fast as they could to cover every inch of that playground. We had the whole place to ourselves, so it was almost completely silent, so peaceful. I watched Ev play, camera in hand, catching smiles and rays of sunshine peeking through desert shrubs, and looking down at my book every now and then, usually reading the same paragraph over and over again, but not getting annoyed by it like I usually do. When Alex showed up, he buttoned his shirt around Ev and took her on the zip line. I'm pretty sure I've never heard her laugh so hard. She kept shouting 'more, more, more!'

After we were finished at the park, we headed to our favorite Thai restaurant and shared an order of eggs rolls and coconut chicken soup with rice. Then it was surprise time! Alex and I had just finished talking about how much we like the movie Monsters, Inc. when we pulled into the discount theatre parking lot for a 6:30 showing of Monsters University. We were there a bit early, so we let Evie press buttons on the arcade games and reminisced about playing Pacman as kids. I really wasn't sure how well Ev would do. I was saving her first movie for when I could be sure she would actually watch the movie, but I think Alex was proud of himself for actually surprising me (I can always guess his surprises. I knew every step of our proposal night and he had given no hints. I'm horrible at faking surprises too, so he knew.) She's just started to become interested in a 20 minute episode of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, so I was almost certain she wouldn't sit still for a two hour movie. She actually surprised me. She climbed back and forth between Alex and I and got a little wiggly towards the end, but it was nothing a few cookies from the bottom of the diaper bag couldn't fix. All in all, I think she really enjoyed it, mostly because it was a new place and we weren't at home. On our way home we passed a frozen yogurt shop and decided to finish off the night right - by satisfying our sweet tooths. We both got salted caramel corn flavor and it was probably my favorite frozen yogurt experience yet, to go along with what was probably my favorite family date night yet.

Since then, the weather has been colder and we haven't ventured out the house as much. I've had my mind on budgeting and gift planning and figuring out a way to afford to drive to Arizona for Thanksgiving (to see my dad). It's all going to go by too fast from here on out, you know. After Halloween comes Winter and Thanksgiving, and then comes Christmas with the tree lit up and trips to the mountain for sledding and snow play and all the really tasty food/desserts (mostly desserts). I feel like we've been going uphill all year long and we've made it to the top where you can see it all, what's behind and ahead, and now we've started the descent all the way to the bottom. That ends before you know it and then January is here and you're like, now what? I always get more nostalgic around this time of year. I've been looking at this past year and the goals that I've yet to accomplish and I've started to really kick it into overdrive to knock out some of the last things on my list and make the best of what's left of 2013.

What goals are left on your list for this year? What do you look forward to during the holidays?

LETTERS TO EV • 20.5 MONTHS

These are from a hike we took about two weeks ago.

Dear Ev,
It's been so long since I've sat down to write one of these. It used to be easy to share all the details of the ways you were changing. It used to be that I would celebrate each milestone and make a mental note of it, but you change so rapidly these days that I can hardly keep up with what new thing you've started to do or what new word you've started to say. The fullness and busyness of our collective lives allows me to barely recognize the passing of time. I'm sitting here, legs crossed, counting the months on my fingers. I find myself doing this often now. When someone asks me how old you are, I have to stop and think of the date and usually just end up saying 'almost two.' Twenty months have passed since I first met you. It's hard to believe that such a small number of months in the grande scheme of life has had such a profound impact on me. I know I've said this a lot in past letters and I will probably say it many more times, but you have changed me in an inconceivable way. I am more confident and driven. I smile more in one day than I used to smile in a week. You make me laugh like no one else has ever been able to (and your Papa is a funny man, so that's saying something).

When I look into your eyes, I can see a full-fledged little girl. I see a maturity beyond your years, a lust for life that some people never experience. You are curious and wild coupled with selfless and gentle. You love to run with wild abandonment and explore and touch and smell and taste - everything is interesting! Everything needs to be experienced! It is both endearing and exhausting. However, in the middle of the chaos, you never fail to stop and try to share your snack with a friend or give one of us a head rub and neck hug followed by an 'ohh' that you hear us make when we 'give you love.' One of the hardest things I've experienced as a parent is watching you become me in so many ways and knowing that there is nothing I can do about it. You have taken the passionate and sensitive soul route already, and it's hard to watch you navigate the effects of that in the toddler world. It usually results in you being pushed out of the circle and receding into the back of the group quietly, or toys being taken out of your hand and you responding with a short 'mine' or 'no' or nothing at all, and walking away defeated. These things aren't abnormal at your age, but I know that if you continue to become who I see in you, your personality is destined to attract a lot of heartbreak in your older years. I've been making an effort to talk with you about standing up for yourself and telling someone when they're doing something to you that you don't like or isn't right, but you're still a little young to understand or voice your opinion yet.

From the moment you rise (which is pretty early these days) until you drift off to sleep, you are driven - driven to explore and learn and love. You are quick to smile at anyone and make friends. Your entire being radiates joy and it seems to attract people everywhere we go. Twice now I've had little boys come up to me in the grocery store with an infectious grin and say, "I like your baby," and you always like them right back, of course. A few months ago, we were stopped at a red light and Papa and I noticed you waving from your carseat. It took us a few minutes to realize that you and the man behind us had a game going on. You would wave, he would wave back, you would giggle and wave again, and on it went. We looked back and he was bent over the steering wheel, laughing uncontrollably. Papa and I couldn't stop laughing either. You spread joy wherever you go and it is so incredible to watch. You enchant people with your brown eyes and your sparkling smile and your beautiful personality. You make the kind of impact on people that I've always wished I could bring to the adult world.

WATCH EVIE GROW • ONE YEAR

 12 months old.

It is the 1st of February, 2013.

Somehow it is both expected and unbelievable that we are already celebrating this glorious day. Today, one year ago at 7:35 P.M., I watched you enter the world, weightless under water, brought you up to me, allowed my eyes to fall on yours, and fell in love. Even after experiencing it, that such a relationship can be forged, such love can be created in such a small amount of time is still inconceivable to me. These life changing moments, these few stepping stones that I’ve experienced in life, always spur thought and change in me, but none have provoked such passion and reform in me as the day we met. These stepping stones that we lay down at points in our lives are what lead us to who we are and will become. As I laid down your stepping stone in the garden of my mind on that Wednesday night, I realized that this just may be the most important thing I’ve ever done and will ever do. Loving you is the most important path I’ll take in this life.

This is probably the hardest letter I’ve written to you yet. It is hopefully one birthday of many, but in my mind, it is a momentous occasion. February 1, 2012 was the beginning of a life, but today is the beginning of a childhood. The warmth of your skin on mine, the sound of you enjoying your nightly nursing, the rise and fall of your chest close to mine are all still a part of us occasionally, but they are rapidly being replaced by curiosity, independence, and four little teeth that shine when you smile. The rolls of your legs are beginning to thin and your tiny feet are beginning to resemble the kind that run barefoot through the backyard on a summer day. The birth marks on one eye and the side of your nose are fading. Your eyes continue to darken, drawing closer to the color of mine.

They have gone from blue to green to brown, always evidence of your joyful soul.

I realize you do not look very joyful in these next two pictures. You were mad because I kept making you lay down. Something about being horizontal sends you into a frenzy nowadays.

We drew inspiration from multiple places when choosing your name, but the most memorable (and a little silly) one was from a Disney movie called ‘The Princess and the Frog.’ In it a firefly is always talking to the brightest star in the sky and names it Evangeline, thinking it is a fellow lady firefly. That description couldn’t be more accurate in describing the way we feel about you. There are many things that Papa and I enjoy in this life, but none compare to you. You are the brightest star in our skies, Evangeline. There is something about you that is so very special. It is more than your enthusiastic nature. It is undefinable, and I know in my heart that you’re destined for something special. There are a lot of things that I desire for you, but most of all I hope that you find something you love and run with it, affect lives with it, impact the world with it.

For the past year, I have looked at you and asked myself almost daily, “How can I make sure it all goes right? How can I make sure that I don’t lose her somewhere along the way?” The more time I have with you, the more I reflect on how much my parents must love me. It’s all-consuming. Some days feel like a battle of wills, yours against mine, and I just want to hold you and say, “Please, let’s be friends,” but I know you’re too young to understand what I mean. I can’t pinpoint when things went distant in my own family. It happened slowly, I guess, and now we’ve all matured enough or just accepted it enough to think, “Let’s move on.” We do, not because we’ve all forgiven and forgot, but because we can’t be bothered enough to be mad, or hurt, or waste time and energy worrying about the past we can’t change. And acknowledging this won’t change anything because this is our family dynamic, this is what people are comfortable with, this is the way it has been. People are creatures of habit, especially in their relationships. However, I hope that isn’t the way it will be between you and I.

I don’t want to waste a single moment I have with you. I want to call you. When you’ve grown up and gone away, I want you to call me because you miss our conversation, not because you feel obligated. I want you to feel known and understood. I want to speak your love language. I never want you to feel like I assume who you are. You’re free to evolve into whoever you want to be and I will always accept you. I want you to know that every time you put your arms out, I will reach right back. I will pick you up when you’re 2 or 20 and hold you as long as you need held. I never want you to feel like an inconvenience. I want to be your running partner or your book club or your best friend - whatever you need. I want to send you care packages when you’re in college and make sure you never feel lonely longer than you want to. I want to be the first person you need to call when you’re heartbroken. Most of all, I want you to be proud of me and cherish our friendship.

Even with all the things you do that frustrate me, if I could have chosen, I would have picked you - with your big toothy grin, your ability to know exactly what you want and not hesitate to tell us, your tiny feet that shoes still won't fit, your love of the four B's (baths, books, bike rides, and blueberries), your weird habit of pulling your hair when you nurse, and your fascination with taking everything apart and analyzing it. Your slobbery, open-mouthed kisses are the best I’ve had yet (Shh, don’t tell Papa!), and I can’t stop laughing when you grab both sides of my face to give me one. I love waking up to you laughing (even if it’s because you’re pulling my hair out). Oh Ev, my sweet Evangeline, please let me be the Mama you deserve.

Happy Birthday, my magical little human.

All the Love in the Universe,

Mama

P.S. I'm sorry about all the tears that were shed to capture these pictures. I hope you can appreciate my dedication to taking these each month someday, and you'll be glad to know that these were the last of the series.

WATCH EVIE GROW • ELEVEN MONTHS

01.04.2013

Evangeline,
I just have a few small thoughts today. I say that because I feel like a lot of what I've wanted to say has already been said before, but each month those emotions and words I share here just intensify. Even after 11 months I still can't believe you exist, here, now, from the cells of myself and the man I've loved since I was a child. I can't believe that those perfect fingers, toes, lips, ears, and eyelashes all grew within me, that your life began in mine. I run my hands across your soft belly a lot and think that someday it may be the place of origin for another human being, one that you will love as strongly as I love you.

Whenever I doubt myself and my impact on this Earth, you come to mind. You will be my greatest legacy. I think of the tremendous, intimate thing that I've been a part of and a slight smile comes to my lips, a haze comes over my eyes.  Of all the moments to be nostalgic about in my short existence, the day I brought you into this world comes to mind most often. Whether I fall or fly in the days to come, you have already allowed me to be a part of something grand. You are small now, but the days are passing quickly. We are in the final homestretch of your babyhood and it's bittersweet, like many things in life. I'm having such a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that you will be a year old in just a few weeks. I want to dig my heels in and slow this time down and savor it before we move into our next adventure, but I know that is impossible.

You're doing so many new things - I'm sure I'll forget one. You say Mama all day long, rip your socks off within five seconds of us putting them on, and stick out your tongue every time I say, "Can I see your tooth?" You shake your head no, which was very confusing at first since you were never using it in the right context, but soon we figured out it was a dance move - the cutest dance move ever. You love to play peek-a-boo, but you don't understand that you should hide behind something in order to fulfill the 'boo' part. You just turn your head, smile, and look out of the corner of your eye, then quickly turn your head back and start to giggle. You are energetic, passionate, opinionated, and joyful. You are becoming more confident in your ability to maneuver that body of yours each day. You're taking your hands off of things to lean down and pick up something beside you, using your walker more often, and you've even started trying to stand up by waving your butt around in the air on your hands and knees. Soon you'll be walking, then running, then jumping.

I love watching you grow.

Thank you for existing.

All the Love in the Universe,
Mama

WATCH EVIE GROW • NINE + TEN MONTHS

9 months old.

Evie Idella. . .

I don't know where to start.

9 months old.

Where have the months gone?
How am I already the mother of a 10 month old little girl?
It doesn't feel like 10 months should have already passed since I first held you in my arms. At the same time, it feels like you've been here much longer, like you've always been a part of me. Since the day you were born, I've called you my best friend and that rings even truer these days. You've become quite the Mama's girl, but I know this is going to be short lived. Each day your independence starts to overshadow your need for me more and more.

10 months old.

You continue to blow my mind each and every week.
Between the eight and nine month mark, you started pulling up on things around the house and that's now in full swing. You stand up anytime, anywhere, on anything you can. It will only be a matter of time before you're walking. In the last three weeks or so, you've become so much more vocal and have started using more varied sounds. You say "Mama" and "Papa" regularly, and I'm fairly certain I've heard you say "Hey" and "Banana." You scream at the top of your lungs when you need something, which isn't nerve wracking and embarrassing at all in public. (I hope you sense my sarcasm.) You're making tons of different, mostly funny facial expressions. When you get frustrated, you grit your teeth (well gums, really because you still don't have any teeth), poke your bottom lip out, squint your eyes, clench your fists together and shake. Sometimes you only squint one eye shut and cock your head to the side a little and Papa swears you look like Popeye. You never fail to make us laugh. It wasn't long ago that I told Papa that I smile more in one day than I probably smiled in a whole week before you were with us. You've brought so much joy into our lives.

10 months old.

Your appetite really increased between the 9 and 10 month mark. We're up to three meals a day, but a lot of times it's more like three snacks a day. You don't eat as much as the books say you should, but you're healthy and seem to be enjoying food so I'm not worried about it. I haven't really found much that you won't eat. You love vegetables, fruit, pasta, rice, anything - even olives. You haven't really had any meat up until now - I let you try turkey, chicken, and fish this month and you cleaned your tray of all of them. The stats from your last baby well appointment were that you weighed 17 pounds, 7.5 ounces, were 28 inches long, and had a head circumference of 43.6 centimeters. You're becoming a lot more adventurous in the ways that you play. I think your favorite things to do right now are open and close the doors around the house and play with the locks at the bottom of the French doors. You also love zippers and buttons and snaps, so I'm banking on you being the type of kid that will learn with your hands and love to figure things out. You're always unscrewing the emblem on the front of my Kitchen Aid mixer and you even managed to twist one of the screws on the bottom of the island off.

10 months old.

We've noticed that you really love animals, so we attempted to own a dog, which lasted just a few days until we realized it was going to be too much for us to handle. We may try again later with a smaller dog (this one was a Saint Bernard named Lyric), but for now, we're sticking with chickens. Papa has almost finished the chicken pen, then we're going to get some chicks this Spring (and maybe a pig too!). We took you on your first plane ride to Alabama this month (November). Honestly, I thought it was going to be a nightmare, but you did wonderfully. You nursed when we were ascending and descending and had no problems with your ears hurting. You slept most of the flight and when you weren't sleeping, you were entertained enough with some new toys I bought you. [One of the toys, a book called 'Tails' has become your favorite! You love to touch the warthogs tail.] We celebrated your first Halloween in October - you dressed up as Pebbles (your Papa and I were Fred and Wilma Flintstone, of course).

10 months old.

You're becoming quite the little girl. There are times when you still need me and the baby in you is still apparent, but I've found myself looking at you often in awe of the beautiful child you're becoming and how quickly it has happened. You've really started to lose your baby fat this month - you're growing longer and leaner, but you're still short and small for your age. You're wearing a lot of 6 to 9 month outfits, but can still fit in most of your 3-6 month pants and onesies. We still don't own a pair of shoes that fit you either. You have some teeny tiny feet that I swear, haven't grown much since you were born. You're beautiful and I hope you always believe me when I say that. I still sit and stare at you as you sleep, mesmerized by just how breathtaking you are. This love between you and I is magic and I'm so glad I get to experience it. I'm so glad that God chose you for us.

I love you, Evie Idella.

Mama

WATCH EVIE GROW • SEVEN + EIGHT MONTHS

7 months old.

I did it again.

I got so busy and wrapped up in you these past two months and it shows here.

You're eight months old and that is so blow my mind, whirlwind hard to believe. Watching you grow before my eyes is such a surreal experience. These are the days that I dreamed of and longed for when you were inside of me and it saddens me that something so anticipated is going to be gone, like a breath, like a blink, and you'll be one.

These past two months have been busy and hectic (aren't they all?), so I haven't had near enough time as I would have liked to write. You're becoming quite the feisty, opinionated little thing. You've found your voice and you're beginning to know what you like and don't like and how to let us know. You've gone through some really grumpy days, but I always tell myself 'tomorrow is a new day.' I have off days and bad moods, so you're sure to as well. We think it may just be a developmental thing - you're frustrated with the limitations that we and your body set for you and you aren't sure how to deal with that frustration yet. To be honest, we aren't sure how to deal with it either. I hate seeing you so unhappy and as hard as I try not to let it get the best of me, sometimes it does. Two parenting rules that I'm trying to follow are using 'no' sparingly and not slapping your hands. The first is so that you don't get used to hearing no multiple times a minute and ignore it. Hopefully when I actually say no, you'll know I mean business and it will catch your attention. The second because I always want to treat you with respect and encourage you to learn and explore. With these two things out, it really puts a damper on ways to express my impatience with you and ways to tell you that what you're doing is not okay. (For example, you love to pull cords out of the wall, but I don't think that's a very safe thing for you to play with, so I usually turn you around and tell you that cords are not toys.) I had no idea that parenting tactics were going to be needed so soon.

7 months old.

You are still trying to crawl. You like to pull yourself along the floor and since we have hardwood floors and tile, this works pretty well. You've started trying to pull up on things - the arm of the recliner, the back of the couch, Mama's hair, the sides of your crib, Papa's chest hair, Mama's *ahem* personal items. . . anything and everything, no matter how painful. I've become your human jungle gym and I'm sure it's just going to get worse. You're wearing a lot of 6-9 month size clothes, but can still fit into most of the 3-6 month things. At your last appointment around 7 months, you were 16 pounds, 4 ounces.

7 months old.

No teeth yet! You've gone through several phases of fussiness and we'll think one is going to bust through, but nothing so far. You're drooling and chewy and biting, but you've been at that for awhile, so it might not mean a thing. We're still breastfeeding - a lot, but you're getting the hang of eating real food. You love everything except tomatoes, mustard, and pickles, so sour stuff (but you like lemon and grapefruit?). The problem we're having is that you really aren't into being spoon fed. You usually just take the spoon from us, chew on it, and bang it on your high chair tray. You like to feed yourself and I like to let you, but it's hard to get enough food in you to really make a difference in how well you sleep or time in between nursing sessions that way. Right now we're at one meal a day, but I'm hoping to get you up to two soon. I also thought I was having issues keeping my milk supply up, so I started taking some herbal supplements and can definitely feel a difference. Hopefully you'll start sleeping longer stretches at night now that you're getting some extra milk along with food. You are such a horrible sleeper, you really are. I keep trying to find a reason for you waking every 2-3 hours, but I'm stumped, so that's my conclusion. You're just bad at sleeping, but that's okay - I accept that about you. I'll live and you'll grow out of it.

Two days ago (09/17/2012), you said 'Mama' for the first time. You had put those two syllables together before like a lot of babies do, saying 'mamamama,' but this was so legible, so full of need and desire. You were playing in the living room floor and I went outside for just a minute to help Papa fix the apple press. I came back in and you fussed a little, looked up at me from across the room and said 'Mama,' clear as day. Tears came to my eyes, I scooped you up, and ran outside yelling, "She said Mama! She said Mama! Like for real! She called me Mama!" You also started saying "baba" which we think means Papa, so you have our names down! You signed 'milk' for the first time when you were seven months old, and you know what the signs for diaper, more, food, water, all done, bath, and Mama mean. You love to jabber on and your sounds are becoming more varied, so I can see more words forming soon.

The day before you said 'Mama' you scooted from the living room into the kitchen and I thought my heart would explode. You just wanted to be in the same room as me and the fact that there is now this little person in this world that likes me that much is incredible. I get excited about that everyday, about loving another person like I love your Papa, and about having another best friend.

Your Papa and I fell hard for each other. We loved with a love that was more than love (and still do). We became best friends when we were just thirteen and have been inseparable ever since. I can still remember the feelings I had when we were just sixteen and the prospect of forever was on the horizon. While neither of us get those same butterflies inside, bat your eyelashes at each other feelings as often as we once did, in the nine years since we've loved, our relationship has evolved into something much more beautiful than that.

8 months old.

When I'm away from you, even if it's just for a nap, I get a taste of those feelings once again. Something just isn't right when we aren't together. It's like leaving home to run a few errands while dinner is on the stove. I'm antsy and forgetful. I can't keep my mind on anything but you. My heart beats faster when I think about you. My days are shorter when I'm with you. Music is sweeter to my ears. My priorities and plans have all shifted. Our future as a family is brighter, more exciting. I want to keep you all to myself. All I can think about is you, my little Evie Idella. My heart bursts with thanks for you, for this life and little family that I've been gifted with.

It took me quite awhile to figure out what these deja vu feelings I was having were all about and one day it hit me - I'm falling in love again. Madly, deeply, in love with you. It's the most exciting, but vulnerable thing I've felt. It's magic.

On August 22nd, Papa and I celebrated three years of marriage. It was the first anniversary with you here with us. Three years ago we devoted our lives to each other and now we've devoted it to you - to nurturing you, teaching you, supporting you. We have fallen in love with you and there is no going back. I love every part of you - the fluffy hair, rosebud lips, intense gaze, gummy smile, firm grip, the softness of your imperfect skin, and your little squeals and coos. I love how adventurous, curious, and joyful you are. What I think I love most of all is the look in your eyes when you see me, that flash of recognition, and the excitement in your eyes when you hold your arms out for me. Anytime you get excited you open your mouth and poke out your lips. It's an expression that's hard to explain, but it's like your saying "Oo, Mama!"

8 months old.

Besides all the developmental milestones, you've also encountered a lot of firsts - your first road trip to Arizona, your first time swimming in a pool, your first trip to the fair, your first taste of ice cream (09/20/2012). You've also learned to love bath time. You splash and stare at the bubbles that surface. You laugh as we poke your cheeks with the beak of your rubber ducky and say "Duck, duck, duck. . .GOOSE!" You watch your plastic boats float around the tub, catch them, and chew on them. You're such a vibrant little person. I hope you never stop smiling as much as you do now.

Everything feels right with you here. Everything is as it should be. There may be more babies in our family's future, but right now, it's just the three of us, the musketeers - living out our dreams, making plans, making memories, holding onto each other, and falling deeper in love every day. Thank you for coming into our lives and changing us. Thank you for reminding me of all these old feelings. This next month is going to be a good one. I can feel it.

All the Love in the Universe,

Mama

WATCH EVIE GROW • FIVE + SIX MONTHS

5 months old.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012. 3:05 P.M.

These past two months have been a whirlwind of happenings. We bought a house - and anyone that has purchased a home before can understand how one event can take up so much of your time and energy, but it's over and I'm here writing again. (Deep breath. . . and exhale.) Finally. I sit in what I think was once a laundry room, but what we have converted into a small office space, in the back of our house as you and Papa nap. So many times since we moved in I've caught myself looking around, thinking to myself, "Are we crazy? How are we even old enough to own a house?" It seems like last week that your Papa and I were just kids, laying on the back of his truck parked in a gravel driveway, staring up at the stars and talking about things like babies and houses. Now there's you - a tangible product of those dreams and our love - and this home, a nest of treasures and inspiration and future dreams.

You aren't quite six months old yet, but we are far enough away from five months that the milestones and bookmarks I had placed in my mind to distinguish your growth between the two have all blended together. You've learned so much in these past two months. Papa and I catch ourselves exclaiming, "She's getting big!" so often now. I see a little bit more of the little girl inside of you come out each day as a little bit of the baby I know floats away. We have been working on helping you sit up and you've gotten pretty good at it, but you still abruptly fall sideways and smash your face into the ground every now and then so I stay close by to catch you, especially since the new house has tile and hardwood floors. I've also been whispering sweet nothings in your ear trying to convince you to crawl early, but you aren't having it. You like to sit up or stand in your jumper and look around for hours, but if I put you on the floor to play you start to fuss after ten or fifteen minutes. You tuck your knees under you and flop forward when you get frustrated, so maybe that's a start. . . or maybe it's just a preview of what your toddler fits will be like.

We've started giving you solid food and you're loving it. I was originally going to wait until 6 months or longer to start feeding you solids, but you were really interested in our food (watching us eat, smacking your lips, and grabbing for our plates), so we took that as a sign that you were ready. You've tried a wide array of food in the short time we've been doing this: grapefruit, orange, lemon, watermelon, cantaloupe, pineapple, mango, a lick of grape, mashed avocado, steamed broccoli, steamed zucchini, steamed carrot, steamed spinach, baked sweet potato, baked apple with cinnamon, mashed banana with cinnamon, baked potato, green beans, plain yogurt, sweet pickle, dill pickle, a lick of steak, yeast roll, and biscuit. Plus a tiny sip of coffee, sweet tea, and horchata. It's very strange, but it seems your favorite so far is avocado and broccoli, and you seemed to like orange and cantaloupe a lot too. We've broken every rule that pediatricians recommend following as far as when to introduce certain foods and how many to introduce together, as well as not pureeing your food, but I'm following my instincts and you don't seem to mind. We're sort of going the baby led weaning route, but I sit and give you bites of mashed food along with the sticks of things that we lay out for you to pick up and eat as you please.

. . . and now we will take a moment of silence to remember the breastmilk poops.

Everyone said the newborn poops were at the bottom of the gross meter. Honestly, I thought they were pretty gross - I mean it was poop. All poop is gross, but this. . . this is a whole new level of poop. This is not baby poop. This is human poop, and it is smelly. The only good thing about it is that it's a bit more solid so we haven't had as many up the back, out the leg, in your toes and hair kind of diaper explosions as we were having.

Ok, no more poop talk.

6 months old.

You had your six month well baby appointment with your pediatrician yesterday (08/01/12) and he was very happy with your growth. You weighed 15 pounds, 4.8 ounces, were 25 inches long, and had a head circumference of 42 centimeters. The only thing that we need to work on is giving you more floor time. I've been trying to give you time to move and crawl every day, but a lot of times we're out all day or I put you in the carrier. I love to keep you close to me and you love to watch me do stuff, but I do need to let you gain some independence soon. You're in various sizes as far as clothing goes - some 0-3 month things still fit, like dresses, but most of the things you're wearing are size 3-6 months. I've started pulling your 6-9 month collection out of bags and putting them up in your closet because almost every day I've put something on you and noticed how close it is to being too short. That's how you outgrow most things now - the bottom won't button or your shoulders start to slip through the head hole.

I'm not sure if everyone says this about their child, but you are so unbelievably smart! After I finish spoon feeding you I lay the spoon on your high chair tray and let you play around with it. The first time I did this you picked up the spoon, slid it along the tray to get some food, and put it right into your mouth, clumsily, of course, but you knew what you were trying to do. Also, a week or two ago, we made a trip to buy you a new toy and your own cup since you're so interested in our water bottles. We were trying to decide whether you needed handles or not, so we handed you one without and you grasped it with both hands, found the spout, and turned it up to get a drink. Your Papa and I just stood in the aisle and stared at each other laughing. I can't believe how fast you figure things out! You're obsessed with anything you see us using, which includes anything we're eating or drinking. You've started reaching out and touching everything, then bringing it to your mouth. You even try to taste other babies, which is hilarious!

All this curiosity and touching means we have to be a lot more careful now - you try to touch and pull things off the shelves at the grocery store and you have almost pulled our plates into our laps on several occasions. You're in the beginning phases of the throwing and dropping stage too, so you're just a mess all around when we take you somewhere or hold you while we eat, but I love it. I love watching you figure things out and experience new tastes, smells, and textures. Sometimes I revel in the days when you were a tender newborn, but at times I'm so eager to meet the little girl you're becoming that I can almost stand watching you grow so much. You're so fascinated with the world and are wild with joy. I hope you never lose this about you.

We have finally gotten you to sleep without a swaddle. You were sleeping horribly for a week or so, so we took it off to see what you would do. You fell asleep easily and we haven't used it since, but you still aren't sleeping through the night - not even close. (As of 08/12/2012, this is still the case. This is lasting longer than I had hoped.) You wake up several times a night, sometimes every hour or two. Most of the time you aren't even hungry, you just dropped your pacifier or are making sure I'm still here, I guess. It has definitely been a test of patience for me. Naps have been on the to-do list a lot lately, which is nice, but I don't get near enough done around the house if I sleep with you. Your Papa has been a great help though. A lot of mornings you'll be waking up as he's getting home from work (He's working nights now.) and he'll change your diaper and entertain you until you get hungry, letting me get an extra 30 minutes or hour of sleep. Of course, he listens to all my grumbling and complaining too. A lot of times you cry a tired, heart breaking cry, sobbing "Mama, Ama, Mum, Mum, Mum" and I can't help but pick you up and cradle you. Papa and I both agree that we need to start helping you learn to fall asleep on your own, but I secretly love how affectionate you are when you're overtired like this. Usually I'll wrap my arms around you and you'll start to struggle and kick like a little animal. "Evie, let me cuddle you," I'll say with a giggle and you'll grunt and huff to say, "Mama, let me free!" When you're tired, you sink into me and burrow your face into the nook of my arm. I hold your head close with the palm of my hand, listening to your steady breath, and the whole world grows quiet.

One day I will miss this time when the lines between you and I are so blurred, as if we're one person.

All the Love in the Universe,
Mama