A List

a farmer's market we popped into a few weeks ago

It's been a bit quiet around here. I've come to this space periodically over the past few days and the words just haven't been there. We've all been battling the 'Spring is approaching' sickness that I've come to loathe (we think we've beat the winter sickness at the same time each year and then it sneaks up on us), but like I said yesterday, there's a lot of emotional exhaustion to blame as well. There is so much to be done, so much on hold while we gather the strength to move onto the next stage of our lives, so much to dream about but no energy to act on it; I thought this list would help sort out some of the panicky feelings that have been working their way into our days. I'm so ready to get back to our normal life, but I know that's a long way off - we have yet another move and a job hunt and a deployment to overcome this year before normal settles in for good. I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it, but I still have my doubts.

Creating your own happiness is such a hard concept for me to accept. It's complicated really because it all depends on what perspective you're looking at happiness from - on one side happiness could equal a bigger home, more things to decorate your home, a larger salary, which all sound a bit shallow - or it could be a perfect for your family, but humble apartment that is still outside of what you can afford, a peaceful home atmosphere that would require things you can't afford, and the desire to have money left over after you pay the bills. It's all in how you say it, I guess, but does it really make your desires any different - aren't they still rooted in greed and the desire for comfort? I turn these things over in my head night after night and come to no conclusion. Sometimes I avoid talking about religion here because really, it brings up more questions from me than answers and I don't know many people who just like to ponder and never arrive at a conclusion. I've come to a point in my life where I'm tired of being made to feel guilty for the small things I desire in life. I'm tired of being expected to question my every action and motive and moment in the name of religion. I'm tired of being asked to pour judgement on people in the name of Christ. I didn't intend on rambling on for quite this long when I sat down to write, but it's late and I'm alone with a heavy heart and that seems to make the words pour out. My thoughts are winding down, however, so I'll leave with you with a list, a taking stock of life sort of list. Feel free to join in and post the link below.

making: a scarf for Alex (hoping to finish it before the weather turns warm so he may get a little use out of it this year)
cooking: nothing exciting - the fridge is a bit bare after being gone all weekend
drinking: the last of the echinacea tea
reading: Travels with Charley by Steinbeck and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids - highly recommend them both
wanting: a coffee shop date with myself and a sketch pad
looking: for our next home
playing: classical music in the car for the past two months because it was the only station we could find when we drove into DC and I've come to love it
wasting: as little as possible, except for the occasional half cup of coffee
sewing: a lot of things in my head like a scrap quilt, curtains, or a doll carrier for Ev, but they'll have to wait
wishing: I could find peace in the valleys, but I've never been good at that
enjoying: this animated, talkative little girl that I wake up to each day - how did that happen so fast?
waiting: for it all to align
liking: the dream. do. discover. course I'm taking
wondering: how people with toddlers even get sick and manage to recover without rest
loving: the blips of Spring weather we've been getting in between the snow storms
hoping: for a lot, but hope is what keeps us all afloat
marveling: at how much the city felt like home for the few days we were there
needing: some routine and rhythm again
smelling: dog breathe - as much as I want to be, I'm just not an animal person
wearing: sweatpants -  I really need to start actually getting dressed every day just because it makes me feel good
following: this blog and this blog and this blog and this blog - I have an eclectic taste in daily entertainment
noticing: little things that bring me joy each day or at least I'm trying to
knowing: that it will all work out
thinking: too much
feeling: too much
bookmarking: apartment ideas - getting ahead of myself like I always do
opening: a package from my Dad for Ev that had a purple polka dotted mouse in it - she has named it 'Pizza'
laughing: with my husband and it feels good
feeling: a little overwhelmed, but I'm moving past it

A WALK BEFORE DINNER

Every year, Fall comes upon us quickly. The colors change one day and then it seems like almost the very next day when all of the leaves on all of the trees in our entire yard shed their leaves at once. I don't know if this is just a New Mexico thing, but I've never experienced it anywhere else. A few weeks ago, Ev and I walked out the front door to check the mail and realized we had been leaf-ed in. There was a good six inches of leaves piled all the way up to the very edge of the door. So we headed out to the front yard to play in them, of course, and to wait on Papa to get home from work. When he did, we all decided that a walk would do us all a bit of good and set out for the dirt trails that follow the arroyos behind our house. We arrived at the golden hour and watched the sun set behind the Cottonwood trees. Ev watched the cranes standing in the fields and flying over head with wonder. We walked hand in hand, family of three until the last bit of light was gone, then headed home to eat a warm meal and bask in our enjoyment of each other. I've been holding onto these pictures for a while now with intentions of posting them sooner, but late is better than never. I couldn't let this moment go undocumented.

I've also been collecting little bits and pieces of things all over the internet with the intention of sharing them all here for the last few weeks, so this list has gotten quite long. I wanted to get this post to you on Friday to bid you farewell for the weekend, but never got to it, and so here it is, greeting you at the beginning of the week. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. We had a quiet one, spent mostly at home, and had our first snowfall of the season yesterday. (Much like Fall, Winter came suddenly and somewhat unexpectedly.) I like to take weekends off from blogging and really from keeping up with social media at all. I'm not going to lie - sometimes it's hard, and sometimes because it's so hard I want to give it up cold turkey and say 'no more!' But I don't, because I love being a part of the blogging community and I love being challenged and inspired every day by things that I discover on the internet. Social media can be a time suck. It can make prioritizing harder and procrastinating easier, but there really is so much good in it at times. Here are the good things I've found all over the internet world lately. Enjoy!

This beautiful short film follows the lives of three stay-at-home moms from different areas of the United States and it really is touching. 

Albuquerque recently voted on the issue of late term abortion and this letter said everything that I feel, but couldn't manage to put into words in such a graceful way about the results.

I recently read a book called 'Desperate' by Sarah Mae, then went out in search of her blog. This article really hit home for me - 'Maybe Your Two Year Old Just Needs You.'

I really enjoyed this article on the New York Times website about the passion of parenting. 

This comic strip illustrating the first year of parenting made me laugh.

This video is a must watch for every woman - so empowering.

This clever video made me laugh - 'The New York City Subway Experiment.'

This photographer asks strangers to post together in intimate ways and the results are surprising.

An interesting read for my fellow tea-drinkers.

I also thought this article about how long a woman's ancestors actually lived while eating real food was really interesting.

What sort of things have you read lately that have interested or inspired you?

For your eyes. For your heart. For your mind. For your soul.

Back in December, Alex came home from work, ran in the house, dropped all his things on the couch, grabbed me by the hand and hurried me out the door. We jumped into the truck and with Evie in my lap, drove to a place behind our house that overlooks the fields of a local farm. The sunsets are fleeting around here, in case you're wondering what the hurry was. I managed to get this shot before the colors vanished and I've been waiting for a long while to share it here. It doesn't even do the image I hold in my head justice, but there is no substitute for real life, is there?

This life is not what I expected, and this blog is not what I imagined it would be when I started it long ago, but both are beautiful nonetheless. I am happy with the words and pictures and dreams I leave here every few days, sometimes longer. I have no desire to leave every thought or step I take, but sometimes I come across things that resonate with me and I think to myself, "I have to share that with someone." So I'm starting this series.

For your eyes:
- I really liked this set of photos of children around the world with their most prized possessions. My mind has really been on a simplifying kick lately (after reading Simplicity Parenting) and this reinforced my thoughts regarding the amount of toys Evie actually needs. We have big plans after the Air Force that will require us to down size a lot (by like 1,000 square feet), so we're trying to gradually rid our lives of unneeded things.

For your heart:
- After writing this post about all of the struggles we've been having in our household lately and our decision on a second child, a reader left a link to this article in the comments and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. It is so spot on in how I feel about motherhood right now and her words give me hope.

- I read this article a few weeks ago and it has resonated with me since and has affected my parenting skills more than anything else I've read, I think. When the house is a mess and Evie is being a terror, I take a deep breathe and start to sing to myself - ". . .take it easy, take it easy, don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy. . ." It sounds silly, but it normally calms me and helps me put things into perspective. Does the fact that the house is a mess and all Evie wants to do is play outside really matter as much as I've convinced myself it does? No. Childhood is not forever and we're never guaranteed another day.

For your mind:
- I guess this one could be filed under 'for your heart' as well, but it made me think more than it pulled at my emotions, so 'for your mind' it is. It's a thought provoking view of relationship dynamics. In a way, this is not a new thought in Alex and I's relationship - we've always said he keeps me grounded and I help him fly, but it's interesting to see it portrayed as a necessity for a successful relationship. Which are you - the bird or the hand? Are you convinced that a pairing of the two makes for a successful relationship?

 - These words are some of the most simple, yet profound that I've read about loving as Jesus loved.

For your soul:
- "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." (Mark Twain)

- "You don't have to get a job that makes others feel comfortable about what they perceive as your success. You don't have to explain what you plan to do with your life. You don't have to justify your education by demonstrating its financial rewards. You don't have to maintain an impeccable credit score. Anyone who expects you to do any of those things has no sense of history or economics or science or the arts. You have to pay your electric bill. You have to be kind. You have to give it all you got. You have to find people who love you truly and love them back with the same truth. But that's all." (Cheryl Strayed)

- "How do we keep our inner fire alive? Two things, at minimum, are needed: an ability to appreciate the positives in our life - and a commitment to action. Every day, it's important to ask and answer these questions: 'What's good in my life?' and 'What needs to be done?'" (Nathaniel Branden)

- "As you think, you travel, and as you love, you attract. You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where you thoughts take you." (James Allen)

- "We are what we believe we are." (C.S. Lewis)

In addition to Simplicity Parenting, I've been reading A Circle of Quiet by Madeleine L'Engle and it has spoken to my soul more than any other book I've read, I think. There are so many things I would love to share here, but I am so enthralled with it that I can't put it down long enough to type them out. If you're a writer, artist, mother, or really just a woman, I encourage you to pick up this book. I feel like I could pick up this book every day and learn something new from it. . .

What have you seen or read around the internet that you've enjoyed lately? What books have you read that have stuck with you and changed the way you perceive life?