Texas • Fort Worth Zoo

We're obsessed with zoos.
Saturday morning we woke up bright and early to make the three hour drive to Fort Worth. I think I was more excited than I've ever been about any other zoo trip in my twenty one years of existence.  Alex and I both love zoos and aquariums. I swear we're like big kids when you get us around animals. Our kids are going to be like, "Parents, chill out! It's just a Zebra!" Proof of our obsession: We're even planning on stopping at the zoo in Omaha, Nebraska during our four day drive to North Dakota in July [This is where the Air Force is sending us next by the way, and I am not looking forward to it.] Most sane people would be in a hurry to get where they're going, but we must see all the zoo animals along the way, of course.

This is the 'It's disgustingly hot out here today.' face, taken while we were hiking the mile from our parking spot to the gate.

I took over one hundred pictures, and didn't manage to get even one with me in it. I need to buy a tripod, and give the husband a crash course on how to use our camera. The only thing I don't like about DLSRs is that they're so intimidating. When you ask a perfect stranger to take a picture for you their eyes pop out of their head and they look at the camera like it's an alien.

Most of the animals were pretty active considering how hot it was - in Fort Worth it was 97 degrees and just a few hours away, where we live, it got up to 110 degrees. Alex hates the heat, but I love it. I was born and lived in Arizona until I was eight, and spent every summer there visiting my dad, so the weather here reminds of my childhood and family.

If you think that Gorilla and those Penguins are cute, just wait. . .

This little guy is called a Sloth Bear, and I'm pretty sure he was my favorite. Instead of jumping from rock to rock like Grizzly Bears or Black Bears would, he crouched down on all fours, stuck his butt in the air, and scooched his way to the edge, then slowly reached for the ground with each foot. I swear it was the cutest thing I've ever seen a furry, four-footed animal do.

Overall, it was a pretty good zoo. It wasn't Disney World or anything, but we had a lot of fun. We love doing things like this with each other, just the two of us, but at the end of the day we both agreed that we're looking forward to and ready to do things like this with our children. When I was younger, I remember asking my mom how she knew she was ready to have kids. At the time her answer, "I just did. It felt like something was missing in our family," didn't make a lot of sense to me, but now I get it. It's not that we've grown bored of each other or that we aren't enough for each other. It just feels like something is missing, especially when we go out and do things like this together. We just want something more for our family, someone else to share this love that we have for each other with.

A fun FYI: I was pregnant on this trip and didn't know it yet.

It will all be worth it in the end.

I've been feeling really discouraged lately. My period still hasn't shown, and tomorrow will be day 60 of my cycle. I've taken two pregnancy tests this month (on the 2nd and the 10th), and both were negative, so I have no explanation. I'm beginning to think I may have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), but I'm not entirely certain. I only have a few of the symptoms - acne (which I've struggled with my entire life, but has gotten worse throughout this entire cycle with no explanation as to why), irregular periods, and infertility. My periods aren't abnormally heavy or painful, and I don't have any of the other common symptoms such as obesity or excess hair growth in abnormal places, but from what I've read, there are many women who have PCOS and are in the same boat. The only definitive symptom is irregular or absent periods - all women with PCOS experience this.

I wish I had paid more attention to my cycles while I was in high school, before I started taking birth control. I feel like birth control is what caused this, but maybe I just want something to blame. I think I was somewhat normal before we started trying to conceive, but I have no way of positively knowing because I didn't pay attention to how long my cycles were back then. Some doctors have said that it can take up to a year for your cycles to return to normal after discontinuing hormonal birth control use, and it's been six months for me. I'm still holding onto hope that this is just my body's way of regulating my hormones after being on birth control, but at the same time, if I am diagnosed with PCOS, I would have an answer. I would know why my body is doing what it's doing. I would have an explanation for why I'm not getting pregnant as quickly as a lot of women do. These thoughts have been weighing on my mind the last few days, and it's just overwhelming. I know that we'll most likely be in for a long and difficult road if I do indeed have PCOS, and I think I speak for all women struggling with infertility when I say I'm tired of this already. I don't want to think about this continuing on for months, maybe years, but. . .

It will all be worth it in the end.

That's what I have to keep telling myself.

‎"When motherhood becomes the fruit of a deep yearning, not the result of ignorance or accident, its children will become the foundation of a new race."

 - Margaret Sanger

Diet, and Vitamins, and Exercise - oh my!

Over the last few days, I've been doing some research on my own and talking with my husband about our 'trying to conceive game plan.' I've been off The Pill for six months and my cycles still seem to be sporadic and long (40-60+ days), so I think it's time to do something different. I feel like birth control has really messed with my body and caused my hormones to be off balance. [We've decided that I'll never take hormonal birth control again for various reasons, but we'll save that for another post.] I checked my cervical mucus throughout this last cycle and never had egg white consistency, so I've concluded that I'm either not ovulating or I'm not producing enough quality CM. If I go to a fertility specialist, I know that they'll one, ask me to chart, and two, want to put me on Clomid or something similar to shorten my cycles, which I'm not comfortable with right now. I have faith in my body and I feel like I'll be able to conceive naturally, but if six more months pass and we're still having issues, I'll be open to medical intervention. For now, I'd like to focus on fixing the issue that's causing long cycles and a lack of CM rather than forcing my body to do those things through drugs. I did a bit of research and I've come up with a plan that I'm going to stick with throughout the next three cycles. If we're still not successful after three cycles, I'm going to start charting, so that I'll be more prepared if I have to see a specialist at the year mark. So here it is:

1. I'm going to revamp my diet. I normally eat fairly healthy compared to most people, but I'm going to deliberately focus on getting certain things into my diet each day, such as:
- slowly digestible carbs such as brown rice, quinoa, whole wheat bread, etc. - no white rice, no white bread or pastries, and no potatoes. Your ovaries are very sensitive to insulin spikes, so I'm also keeping my processed sugar intake low.
- healthy fats, from foods like avocados, nuts, and stable oils like olive and coconut.
- more plant-based proteins, rather than animal-based proteins, like beans, peas, and nuts.
- whole fat dairy products, like whole milk rather than skim milk and whole milk yogurt rather than low fat yogurt. If a woman doesn't have enough stored energy from fat, her body will either not ovulate or not be able to sustain a pregnancy, resulting in an early miscarriage. The recommended amount is three servings per day, which will also give me plenty of calcium.
- dark green vegetables, like spinach, chard, kale, etc. This is the hardest thing for me to get into the habit of eating. I like dark green vegetables, but I also love all other vegetables, and you can only eat so much in one day. I've found that the two easiest ways to incorporate these into my diet is to add some spinach to a salad or smoothie, or drink a green juice each day. I don't have a juicer, so I buy Odwalla Original Superfood. It's actually really tasty, but it isn't organic and it's a bit expensive. I only drink about 6 ounces, so I make one small bottle last me two days to cut down on the expense.
- flax seed. It's a good source of omega-3's. I just add two tablespoons to my daily smoothie.
- plenty of fruits and vegetables. I eat fresh fruit in the morning with breakfast, have a smoothie [two servings of fruit, one serving of vegetables, one serving of whole fat dairy when using yogurt] for a snack, drink a serving of green juice, eat a salad for lunch everyday, and most of the time I have a vegetable with dinner and piece of fruit for dessert. If you plan your meals around fruits and vegetables rather than meats and starches, it becomes much easier to incorporate it all into your diet.
- enough water. My goal is to drink 60 ounces of water each day, which is pretty challenging, but I've figured out various ways to meet my goal. I drink a glass of water in the morning before I eat or drink anything else. I've found that kind of sets the stage for the rest of the day and gives me a craving for water. I've also started adding a little fresh lemon or lime juice, and I plan on trying mint as well. Since I've been doing this, I feel so much better. I have more energy, better digestion, and clearer skin.

2. I'm going to be more committed to taking my prenatals. I let it slip my mind a lot, so I've set two alarms to remind me to take them. I'm also going to try using Fertility Blend Vitamins to naturally shorten and regulate my cycles. The reviews on Amazon were pretty promising, so I went into GNC today and ordered some. I'm crossing my fingers that I'll notice a difference and won't have to see a fertility doctor or take Clomid.

3. I'm going to keep exercising regularly. I've been walking and jogging a few miles at the track three times a week for the past few weeks, and I plan on sticking with it. I'm also going to try doing Fertility Yoga at home in the next few weeks and see how I feel.

So, there you go - diet, vitamins, exercise. . . pretty simple, right? I have a few other things I plan on trying if I don't sense a difference after sticking with this routine for the next three months, but I don't want to try too many things at once, so we'll see how this goes.
I guess number four should be lots of prayer - that's been the only thing keeping me sane.

Are you currently trying to conceive? How long have you been trying?


For those of you who are already pregnant, how long did it take? What did you do to prepare yourself physically for pregnancy? If you struggled with infertility, what ended up working for you?

Here we go again.

I roll over and throw my arm out onto the nightstand, searching for the time.
I pick up my phone, squint and see that it's 10:00 A.M.
I should really get up.
Last night was spent tossing and turning, with too much on my mind.
I'm three days late and I've been feeling nauseous and tired, so I was sure this would be the day.
I fling the blanket back, pull myself out of bed and stumble into the bathroom, my senses shocked by the cold tile on my bare feet.
I grab the hot pink package that I had set on the back of the toilet the night before, and begin to tear at the plastic foil seams, hands shaking.
After I finish reading over the directions, just to make sure I do it all right (even though I've read this little sheet of paper religiously and longingly each month we've been trying), I pull the cap off that end and try not to drop the test into the toilet by accident as I awkwardly try to maneuver it between my legs.
Here goes nothing.
I try to replace the cap, but my hands are shaking, my heart is racing, and my face is hot. I finally get the cap on, and place it on the back of the toilet to wait for the results.
I decide that I can't watch it appear, so I stumble into the bedroom and collapse onto the bed, putting my arms over my face and praying for strength to deal with the results.
I wish I could stay in this moment just a bit longer. I'm hopeful, I'm optimistic. Once I get the negative result, I know I'll be waiting another month or more.
At the same time, I'm tired of the anticipation. I need to know.
So I pull myself out of bed again, and slowly walk into the bathroom after three minutes had passed. I glance at the test without picking it up, and see it . . .

. . . one line, negative, not pregnant.

My heart sinks, and my face feels numb.
I pick up the test, place it in the trash can, and try to gather the strength for another month of waiting and wishing.
Here we go again.

My husband is hilarious, my acne is out of control, and Aunt Flow is late.

"I feel good with my husband. I like his warmth and his bigness and his being there and his making and his jokes and stories and what he reads and how he likes fishing and walks and pigs and foxes and little animals and is honest and not vain or fame-crazy and how he shows his gladness for what I cook him and joy when I make him something, a poem or a cake, and how he's troubled when I am unhappy and wants to do anything so I can fight out my soul-battles and grow up with courage and a philosophical ease. I love his good smell and his body that fits with mine as if they were made in the same body shop to do just that. What is only pieces, doled out here and there to this boy and that boy, that made me like pieces of them, is all jammed together in my husband. So I don't want to look around anymore. I don't need to look around for anything."

- The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

I really think this man is going to be the best father in history, and I'm not just saying that because I married him and am rather fond of him. I'm saying it because before we were even married, he dreamed about being a father. He would talk and still talks about things he wants to do with our children, places he wants to take them, and how he wants to raise them to have integrity and passion. He thinks of weird baby names and asks for my opinion. His face lights up when he spots a cute baby in public, and he loves to carry on awkward conversations with little kids.

Every night before he heads back to base (he's in training right now, so he has to sleep in the dorms), he looks at me like I'm the most amazing creature to ever walk the Earth. He's taken to calling me 'Mama,' while kissing my belly and saying goodnight to 'whoever might be in there.' He even shushed me the other night when I interrupted his declaration of love to inform him that he was going to be late if he didn't wrap it up. I'm already losing the popularity contest with my belly and we're not even sure whether I'm pregnant or not. Alex swears that I am. With every little thing I do, he's started blurting out, 'YOU'RE PREGNANT!'

"I'm tired," I say. "You're pregnant!," he shouts.

"This Apple is sour. Here, you eat it," I said. "It is not. . . something's wrong with you. You must be pregnant," he said.

"I think I've gained a little weight. My boobs seem a little bigger," I said. "You must be pregnant!," he shouted.

"It's hot in here," I yell, as I'm flinging my clothes off. "It is not. You're just pregnant," he informs me.

I started cleaning the apartment yesterday and he asked me, "Are you nesting? You have to be pregnant." I laughed and informed him that women don't usually start 'nesting' until the third trimester.

I seriously doubt any of these things actually mean that I'm pregnant, but it will be funny if he ends up being right. The only thing that's giving me a twinge of excitement and hope is that I've broken out everywhere, like the worst breakout I've ever had including my teenage years, and I have no explanation. My diet hasn't changed, it was happening long before I changed my skin care bar, and it's constant and not going away. If I'm not pregnant, then I need to make an appointment with a dermatologist because this is getting ridiculous.

This baby will be the greatest gift I'll ever have the pleasure of giving him. It's an astonishing and humbling realization that I get to be the one that brings his child into the world. He has to rely on me to nourish, carry, and birth his children - the responsibility rests solely on my shoulders, and I embrace that, no matter how scary it may seem.

I'm due to have my period today, but so far Aunt Flow is a no show. My cycles aren't super consistent, so I could just be a few days late, but I'm crossing my legs, fingers, and toes, and holding my breath that she's on a nine month vacation. We'll see. . .

Dear Baby,

Papa and I took a trip to Oklahoma City with a few friends of ours on Saturday. Our first stop was the Oklahoma City Farmer's Market. We had originally wanted to go shopping for produce, but found a building full of Antiques nearby that we ended up spending hours looking through. I saw so many little trinkets, toys, and books that I wanted to buy for you. 

I did manage to snatch up ten vintage Little Golden Books for $1 each, which I got entirely too excited about. I've been scouting out Little Golden Books online for a few months and I've never found such a good deal! Papa and I both had quite a collection of them growing up, so we wanted to start one for you as well. I can't wait to watch you and your brothers and sisters read them over and over like I did when I was little. Your dad and I are always talking about how badly we hope to cultivate a love for reading and learning in you, and I'm sure having plenty of books around the house will help.

When your dad and I go somewhere new together, I always like to pick up a little something special to remember our adventure by. As I was browsing through the rows of glass cases full of dishes and little glass figurines, I spotted these two lovely little birds. They were the perfect shade of yellow and I fell in love immediately. I called your Papa over, and he agreed, they had to come home with us. So after talking a little old lady down by $12, they were ours for $40 - a bit much than I would normally spend, but they were perfect. The owner said she bought them herself in 1940, and they're Lenox brand glass, which is apparently what they serve meals on in the White House. They're sitting on our nightstand now, but I'm thinking they'll probably migrate into your nursery one day soon.

I also bought a vintage stamped leather belt buckle for only $5. I'm not even sure if I'm pregnant yet, so it will obviously be awhile until I find out your gender if you're in there, but I'm already holding onto a bit of hope that when the time comes, I'll hear those words I've been dreaming about for years, "It's a girl," only because I'm looking forward to sharing things like this with my daughter. I want to have someone to pass down my favorite vintage dresses and accessories to, someone to cook with, someone to shop with. I want your dad to be able to call us, 'my girls,' like my dad called my stepmom and I, just until your brothers and sisters join us. 

On the other hand, I saw the longing in your Papa's eyes for a son as he stared into a case full of old pocket knives and talked about starting a collection of them for 'his boys,' and I would love to give him that gift, a son. I eagerly anticipate seeing the joy in his face as we hear those words that I'm sure he's dreamt about hearing for years, "It's a boy!" I'm sure he'll want to buy you pocket knives and compasses, harmonicas and guitars. He'll want to take you on adventures in kayaks on rivers and lakes, in tents set up in our backyard and deep woods, and in your own set of cowboy boots, hiking the trails of locals parks and faraway mountains. 

Plus, I would get to call you two 'my boys,' which is just as adorable as, 'his girls.' Having a son would, no doubt, be just as exciting as having a daughter for me, but in a different way. 

Have no fear, I'll love you just the same, boy or girl.

We're still waiting for the right time to take a pregnancy test. I think I've decided to wait one more week. I almost have myself convinced that it's going to be negative because I don't feel pregnant, but from what I've been told, I shouldn't have any pregnancy symptoms until a few weeks from now. I'm still holding onto a bit of hope that you're growing strong in there, but I don't want to set myself up for disappointment again. I'm getting more anxious by the minute. Oh, how I can't wait for that day to come.

All the Love in the Universe,

Mama

I'm confident.

Melonie and I at her Bachelorette Party in 2008.

Back when I had just gotten off birth control and we had started trying to conceive, I found out that some 'couple friends' of ours that I had gone to high school with, Jake and Melonie, had also started trying. I sent Melonie a quick best wishes and 'baby dust' text and told her that Alex and I were trying as well. Two months ago, she announced that she was pregnant. I don't know why, but I had just assumed that it had come easy for them. It hadn't occurred to me that they could have been trying months before we had talked, which was actually the case. A few days ago, she told me about the miracle that had happened to bring this baby into existence and the struggle that she had gone through.

They had tried to conceive for five months before being referred to a fertility specialist in December, who told her that she would most likely be unable to get pregnant without medical intervention. After talking it over, her husband told her that he wasn't comfortable doing treatment. She was scheduled to come in for testing soon after that, but decided that she didn't want to know what was wrong if they weren't going to take steps to fix it. So she struggled with feelings of resentment, bitterness, and sadness, but prayed through all of that, searching for answers. She stopped taking her temperature, stopped charting, and decided to be done taking tests each month - a few weeks later, she found out she was pregnant.

Obviously, this doesn't happen to everyone. Miracles like this are few and far between, but it did give me confidence. I am confident that my body was created to and is going to bear children. It confirmed what I've been thinking since the beginning, which is that ultimately, I have no control over this. There's only a certain amount of researching and charting that I can do, and there's a fine line between being educated and being unhealthily obsessed. No amount of worrying is going to make it happen any sooner.

So I'm trying my best to just let it be, and I'm consciously trying to take advantage of this time with Alex. As much as I'm looking forward to late night rocking sessions and the sound of little feet running through our house, I know I'll miss our alone time. I'll miss these mornings we spend together, sleeping in until 11 o'clock undisturbed. I'll miss wandering through the aisles of the grocery store together, in no rush, with nothing waiting for us at home. I'll miss being able to pack light on our sporadic hiking trips. I know this stage in our lives is fleeting, and that I'll be looking back to it longingly in a few years. So I'm trying to focus more on soaking up this time with my husband than on all of the things I'm feeling that could possibly be pregnancy symptoms (which will drive you crazy, by the way).

I know it hasn't been that long.

I know there are plenty of women that deal with these feelings for much longer, for years rather than months. . .

but I can't help but worry.

We've only been trying since November, and we weren't together two out of those five months, but it feels like it's been so much longer than that. We've been talking about this since June - that may be why.

I've made myself sick with anticipation on more than one occasion in the last few weeks.I want to let go and let it be, just tell myself it will happen when it's supposed to happen and listen, but I can't. I'm a worrier, a planner, and a doer.

I hear numerous stories of women getting pregnant while they're on birth control. I have women tell me, "I got pregnant immediately, so you shouldn't have to wait much longer." It's then that I start to worry. I let this reoccurring thought creep in. 'Will this ever happen or will I have to live with this anticipation, this hope, this emptiness forever?' That's a hard thought to come to terms with and stomach.

I allow myself to ponder on this, and it never fails - I always end up staring at the calendar, frustrated, wishing that day, the day that will change our lives as we know it, was today.

I thought that day had arrived a few months ago, but apparently my body was just on a hiatus. It wasn't just that I had missed my monthly visitor (twice). I took test after test, convinced that they were wrong. 'Maybe it's a false negative. Maybe the entire box was faulty - unlikely, yes, but impossible, no.' For some reason, I felt with every fiber inside of me that it had happened, that I wasn't alone in my body. I felt absolutely silly for being so convinced after I called my doctor and she assured me that the chances of four different tests being wrong would be like winning the lottery. She had no idea how right that analogy was.

I don't even know how I'll react when a test reads positive. I'll probably have to take three more, just to be sure.

It's official.

We are 'trying to conceive.'

I stopped taking birth control in November, and my cycle has finally returned to normal, so it's just a waiting game from here on out.

Some people may think that it's a little premature for me to start a blog about a child that doesn't exist yet, but I believe in talking about your dreams like they're already coming true, and my biggest dream is to be a mother.

So I'm going to start writing to you, little baby, because I want you to know how much I loved you before you even existed.

I want you to know that my heart skips a beat every time I pass by the baby section in a store.

I want you to know that I've been searching for documentaries and books about pregnancy and childbirth, because I want to give you the very best beginning in this world.

I want you to know that I've been having dreams, vivid dreams, about holding you in my arms, and I hate that I have to wake up and continue with this waiting game.

I want you to know that your dad and I have been giving each other googly-eyes at the thought of you. He's just as excited about creating a soul together as I am. He's constantly pointing out pregnant women in public, touching my belly, and marveling at the fact that his child will be in there soon. When he sees a baby at the grocery store or hears the children next door laughing and playing outside, he smiles from ear to ear and gets this unforgettable liveliness in his eyes that I love.

It's a crazy thing that I suppose you'll understand when you're older (I can't believe I'm already saying that. I used to hate when my mom would say that to me.) - the feeling you get after waiting for something for an eternity, it seems like, then you wake up in the thick of it all and realize, "I'm here. I'm finally at this point in my life that I've dreamed about for so long."

We haven't told many people about our plans for our family yet. You'll learn when you get out here - everyone has an opinion, and we decided we didn't want to open the door for people to give us theirs just yet.

For now, we'll be waiting on and wishing for those two little pink lines to appear that will signal life as we know it ending and a new chapter beginning.


All the Love in the Universe,
Mama